CoActiveDreams

Never, Never, Give Up !

2012-01-05T01:20:00.006-05:00

Now that all the excitement of a new year has subsided, we are faced with walking into all the unknowns that come with resetting the clock on that thing that is our future. Each of us faces our own special challenges as we attempt to make sense of all the nonsense we encounter on a day to day basis. And yet, I’m here to tell you I do understand how the load can get heavy at times.

There are so many things that seem to conspire to keep you from the goals that you have set for yourself, but faith and determination are wonderful things. They are something we all have but sometimes don’t use to the full extent we should. Faith is the thing that gives us hope and determination is what keeps us on the path to where we want to go.

And so, when you find yourself at a crossroads and wondering which road you should take, draw on those two characters. Decide where it is you want to go and take a moment to see, feel and taste it. Take in the full extent of your dreamed outcome to make certain it is fixed in your mind. Then, begin to break that dream down into smaller steps that you can take that will guide you when the going gets tough. I say that because trying to do everything at once is a recipe for becoming overwhelmed. Smaller steps give you a sense of accomplishment while building your faith that the entire task is doable.

And now comes the most important part: As Winston Churchill put it “Never, never give up.” Accept that there will be days when you will need to put the burden down and rest for a bit, and believe me they will happen. Building in those days causes you to step back and reassess what is working and what needs to be changed rather than using denial which only fools you for the moment but never fools the situation. And then strike out again with new determination based on the changes you have made.

I’m always reminded of the Rocky Mountain as a good example of persistence. Something as simple as the drip, drip, drip of water hollowed out those canyons. There are multiple slopes showing where water flowed one way and then another but never stopped until it had burrowed through solid rock. Never, never give up! Try something one way and maybe another but make up your mind that you have seen it, smelled it, and tasted it in your mind’s eye and know it is possible. Never, never give up!

Tell those fears and forces that they will just have to bow to your will, because you have made up your mind and begun to take action. Never, never give up!

The Hopes and Fears of all the Years...

2012-01-01T13:57:00.003-05:00

Another year has now found us looking off into the distance and wondering where do we go from here?

Let me say there is always hope, no matter how dire the situation may seem; and you are capable of great things. Just step out and see what happens. You will figure out the rest as you go along!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A Light Show and the Human Spirit

2011-12-04T16:20:00.009-05:00

I am continually amazed by the strength of the human spirit. I say that because there are times when small things take on new significance. Jacksonville City Government like cities all over the country has had to balance tight budgets and make hard choices. One of the hard choices this year was to not fund an annual event that has been a staple for years during the holiday season: The Jacksonville Boat Light Show. I heard the announcement on the radio that the light show had lost funding and breathed a sigh for my adopted city; thinking that some of the joy had gone out of Christmas and chalked it up to so many things we all have had to do without.

But the human will is a powerful thing, and members of the local boat club went out and gathered sponsors, individual owners committed to participate and the event was back on!

Others evidently felt as I did because the main viewing site was packed 10 deep and kids were everywhere. There were big and small boats decorated with style and a sense of humor, and I saluted them all for refusing to give up.

Of course I took my camera to take pictures and video clips. The short video I have created can be seen by clicking the word Gallery is a “Thank You” to all the people who worked so hard to not give in to gloom and doom and decided to celebrate the season.

And... In All Things Give Thanks!

2011-11-24T11:41:00.009-05:00

With so much going on in the United States and around the world today, we are put in the position of asking is there really anything to be thankful for as we survey a landscape of troubles. Yes, it is difficult at the moment, but I offer a resounding yes!

I know it is hard to look beyond all the marketing hype that has relegated Thanksgiving to a date holding back the shopping frenzy that has become Christmas. But, I refuse to let the marketing machine win. Thanksgiving is a holiday of looking back (over all that we have triumphed) and allowing ourselves to gaze forward (holding on to that wistful thing called hope).

Thanksgiving is a time of standing up among the carnage and rubble that may be our lives at the moment and proclaiming to the world “I’m still here!” A time of realizing that “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

And so I say to all this Thanksgiving: I for one am glad you are still here. I also stand with you in hope for all the things you want to come to pass.

Happy Thanksgiving!

How To Create Relaxation Islands

2011-11-20T11:06:00.009-05:00

I recently did a stress reduction seminar for an office group and what struck me was that beyond all the talk about worker productivity is the fact that most workers are really stressed. Stressed out from doing two and three jobs, trying to cover the demands of family life, or just plain can’t handle one more thing on a long list of things that never seem to end.

Work stress has always been with us, probably from the time when the cave man realized he had a period of time to kill something or the people back in the cave would starve. Work stress is nothing new.

But, I think the difference for this generation is that technology now tells the cave man how many seconds he has to kill that dinosaur and delivers never ending updates on the status of the people in the cave and how many dinosaurs are required to keep cave members alive. Sometimes it all becomes too much.

Don’t misunderstand me, because I love technology, but there comes a time when we have to unplug and give our bodies a chance to not only breathe but exhale. After all, the demands of the job are not going away but there are things we can change in terms of how we deal with them.

Some of the things I told the group:

Beware the manager with his/her hair on fire:

There is always someone in the organization who runs in with their hair on fire regarding the latest thing that has to be done or the world will end project. The trick is to not be drawn in to the contagion of the latest crisis. When someone runs in with their hair on fire, you have to stop, take a moment, and do a mental calculation of what is the most pressing thing based on your knowledge of the situation. It is not possible to do two things at the same time so stop the flame thrower and attempt to pin them down in relation to exactly what is most important and provide the implications of tackling that task. Most flame throwers are not able to scale or prioritize so you have to help them do so.

Work in breathers moments:

It is ever so tempting to eat at your desk if you eat at all, but all you are doing is slowly killing yourself. Build in the habit of what I call “taking a walk around the block.” Literally build into your schedule 5 to 10 minutes where you get up, get away from your desk and take a short walk either through the lobby of your building, around the block if weather permits, or someplace that is a little more calm than where you usually work. Just the act of making your body move helps you take in more oxygen which in itself is a natural relaxant. This also provides an opportunity to step back from a situation and allows your brain to rest so that you can return to the project refreshed with a new perspective. Studies have shown that ten minutes has the same effect as working hours in the gym if you build in a couple of increments per day.

Work in doing something that you love:

The greatest stressor is the feeling of things being out of your control. Find something to do on a small scale that works on your schedule and gives you a sense of control. My brother recently bought a table saw and spends some of his free time making bird houses. The bird houses will never win any awards but he and my niece love the work and time spent together talking about how the birds will love their new condos. It is not something he is forced to do on a time schedule, but when he feels the urge. The same can be accomplished by taking a class that you can attend when you want. The last thing you want to do is build more pressure by adding to your list of “to do’s.”

Take a moment and just unplug:

I know saying to turn off the I-Phone is like asking an addict to go cold turkey but a few moments (again, think 10 minute increments) actually allows you to get away from the fight or flight response that latest update brings. The basic concept is to create small islands of relaxation throughout the day where you are away but not away so long as to create additional stress.

These suggestions are not a cure-all for every situation but at least provides a few moments of the relaxation response that will help you think more clearly and probably add years to your life. Try it!

What is Your Life Report

2011-11-01T04:04:00.007-04:00

I was reading an online newspaper article the other day where the writer asked people of a certain age to reflect over their lives so far and recount the things they had done well, the things they had not done well, and what they had learned along the way. The request seemed simple enough. But, when you really begin to review your life the report you come up with might surprise you.

He recounted some life reviews he saw in a college alumni publication and marveled that some of the responses received were inspiring and some seemed to be filled with overwhelming regret. Such is the case when involved in deep introspection. This assessment from a college professor is a perfect example: “I am stubborn, cold, selfish, and resentful of being corrected or opposed. I also wish that a course in parenting had been required of all of us at Yale.” Heavy stuff indeed!

But what I found interesting was that people who selected the safe route for their lives seemed to express the most regret. They had been driven by the desire for routine and looking back regretted all the things not done. And, the people who were the most restless and willing to strike out in a different direction for their lives came across as the most interesting. Their sense of passion added excitement to the recounting of their lives. For these people no one regretted the changes that they made, even when they failed at their endeavor.

I tried the exercise over the weekend and mentally looked back over my life so far and was amazed at the things I regarded as triumphs, significant points, and things I wished I could go back and do over (like resisting my fear of heights and going on a hot air balloon ride while once in New Mexico).

And so, as the author challenged me I will challenge you as well. Sit down and write a few paragraphs to detail a life report for yourself. What are the things you feel you have done well? What are the things you still struggle to incorporate into your life. And finally, what are some of the things you have learned along the way in your journey? You might surprise yourself!

Meta Your Cognition

2011-08-28T22:55:00.007-04:00

Meta-cognition is a very interesting word that has gained prominence in education and is something I felt like highlighting. As I have developed lesson plans for the new school, it has caused me to really analyze the way I do things. And, it should cause you to wonder as well.

A loose definition of the word is thinking about how you think. At first it may seem that I am talking in circles because a good deal of what we do as we read or think through a problem is second nature. That is, you read something and your thoughts just flow.

But, if you really stopped for a moment and realized exactly how you go about the process of making meaning it becomes a very interesting concept. Interesting, because we all use a number of roads to get to the same destination:

Making Connections: Some of us read something and instantly relate this to a previous experience, something we have read before, or something we know exists in the world. We then draw conclusions based on this quick mental scan process.

Visualizing: Some of us create mental pictures in our heads to walk ourselves through the landscape of the problem. In this way the situation becomes very personal and much more memorable. It is as if we are creating our own little movie as we read something or analyze a problem.

Making Inferences: this is the mystery solving aspect of learning. We collect clues, look at pictures, analyze the context in which something is presented and then like good Sherlock Holmes' make a prediction based on the clues.

Determining Importance: Some of us are excellent at scanning and filtering. We read through a text and instantly find the key points that help us sort out the meaning and draw a conclusion.

All of the above are tools we use to make meaning of the day-to-day information that whirls past us as we go about our day. So, the next time you read something... stop for a moment and ask yourself what you just did. You might find it very interesting!

Never Say Never Again...Again!

2011-08-20T10:55:00.007-04:00

Some of you know that I am a movie buff and the title above applies because it speaks to my current situation. I set up my professional blog and decided to let this blog rest. However, what I have discovered is that I get lots of hits on the professional blog but people continue to visit this blog as well, despite it being dormant.

So like Sean Connery when he accepted another James Bond role (after saying he would never do another) and the producers gave it the title "Never Say Never Again" to rub in that sometimes situations conspire to make you change your mind; I have reached a grand bargain with myself. I will resume posting on this blog, but due to time constraints will probably double post musings from the professional blog. It makes sense on my part because despite not leaving comments, I know you are out there and posting here rewards your continued visits

And so, you have been warned!

The Only Constant... Is Change !

2010-11-16T10:11:00.018-05:00

I know I have been away for awhile and for that I do apologize but it was all in a good cause. I have been doing seminars like crazy and that coupled with my new puppy has taken up a good deal of time.

Which brings me to the title of this post: "The Only Constant... Is "Change!" A few months back in a post titled "See Yourself Becoming A Believer in Your Dreams" I mentioned going back and reading some of the books that had shaped my life. In that post I mentioned visualizing the things you want and accepting the fact that it is there but at that moment you could not see it, and to begin working toward your goal to prepare yourself for receiving it. After my own period of preparation I ran into someone who could help move me in a direction I wanted to take. And now the entire story can unfold...

My friends, I am well on my way to becoming a motivational speaker and to help me along in that goal I wanted to combine my website and this blog. While it may seem like a simple task it turned out to be a lot more complicated than I had ever imagined. But, I always knew there was a solution out there, I just could not see it yet. And then I was put in contact with a wonderful webmaster by the name of Yvonne and her company Fabbest LLC . She helped me redesign my website into a beautiful thing and then magically transferred all my old posts on to it! Her appearance followed by her encouragement and help spurred me to get out there to really believe in my dream and the speaking engagements have followed. And that is why I have been away for awhile.

That said, I wanted to announce on my 101 post that I will stop updating the blog at this site and will now begin to post exclusively on my website at www.coactivedreams.com. The focus will remain the same: my streams of consciousness take on things and ways to tackle life's obstacles, but I hope more goal oriented and organized. The website is still a thing in progress as I plan later to start a YouTube Channel that can also be viewed from the site (you are going to "see" a lot more of me). So, follow the link highlighted above and take a test drive around my new website to see the materialization of what I always knew was there... and now can see!

Never Say Never Again...

2010-10-10T21:20:00.014-04:00

I always loved that title of the James Bond movie "Never Say Never Again" because Sean Connery had vowed to never do another James Bond film and was drawn back into the producers web. The joke goes that the title "Never Say Never Again" was devised to remind him of his weakness. The stage is now set for me to explain why that title comes to mind. Years ago I had a small dog that I loved dearly and when he died, I promised myself to never have a pet again. It simply hurt too much.

And now... meet Sunny Girl!

It started out as a gift for Daddy. He kept saying he wanted a dog and I figured a small dog would be a good companion and less taxing. Sunny Girl (the name he gave her) seemed to fit the bill. She was lively with tons of personality. So much personality in fact, that she proved too much for Daddy and there I was with a dog on my hands.

I remembered my vow and immediately began the job of finding a good home for the little rascal, but after two weeks and lots of oooohhs and awes have not had much luck. It really is funny how such a little creature can work it's way into your life. Sunny Girl and I were sitting under the pergola the other day and I was watching her play. I smiled to myself at her joy of something as simple as a stick and how she played with it.

Or later, watching her on patrol in the back yard seemingly deep in thought against all who might invade. I mentally questioned puppy training and the work of house breaking but also marveled at the connection I felt when she sat on my lap purring and happy to be close.

Alex too has joined in the conspiracy by being at first distant and then rolling around on the floor playing with her, constantly researching information on the personality of a dachshund, and continually reminding me "her instinct is to hunt and she is fearless."

We have agreed to take a couple more weeks to see if a new owner can be found but as I look into that face I can feel my resolve weakening and that is when that title came to mind: Never say never again!

But Will It Make You Happy ?

2010-09-24T20:46:00.011-04:00

I just came back from the movie "Wall street: Money Never Sleeps", you know the sequel to the movie where the guy Gordon Geeko says "Greed is Good!" What struck me was the thought of what really makes us happy?

Awhile back the NY times did an article on this very subject and the movie seemed to reaffirm what it suggested: The desire for "things" releases feel good hormones in our brain much like candy gives us a sugar rush. However, once that rush wears off we no longer have the pay off but more of a let down which causes us to look for something else to get that feeling once again. The shopaholic is then the classic example of someone on a constant hunt for the next "high."

What makes us feel happy

But what really got my interest was their description of the things that tend to give us longer lasting feel good emotions: Activities and projects with significant people in our lives. It seems spending on leisure or services strengthens our social bonds and makes us feel happy, because humans are after all social beings. Or, as stated in the article only bees and ants have as complex a social structure like humans and neither of them go shopping. So if you purchase concert tickets for you and a friend, or plan a trip, or go camping with others we tend to report being more happy. The reason being is that we can continually go back and relive those experiences. And guess what? Our brain does not know we are reliving an experience and releases the feel good hormones.

What others discovered

The couple in the article, once they acknowledged this concept and forced themselves to downsize, won over relatives who once thought they were a little crazy. They took more trips or planned more activities, acquired less, and ended up with more money and reported being a lot happier.

Projects as therapy

It really got me thinking and during one of my pre-marital counseling sessions I gave as homework the assignment for the couple to plan an event together. They reported learning a good deal about how each problem solved, how they argued, and guess what felt closer after completing the assignment.

Take that Gordon Geeko!

Is Silence Really Golden?

2010-09-09T22:01:00.008-04:00

I recently read an article in the NY Times about a study that questioned the concept of announcing your goals to others as motivation to complete them. According to this study, the announcement of your goals may actually make you less likely to accomplish them:

“Any time you have a goal, there are some steps that need to be done, some work that needs to be done in order to achieve it. Ideally, you would not be satisfied until you had actually done the work, but when you tell someone your goal, and they acknowledge it, psychologists have found that it’s called a social reality. The mind is kind of tricked into feeling that it’s already done. And then, because you’ve felt that satisfaction, you’re less motivated to do the actual hard work necessary.”

A good number of people acknowledged that this had also been their life experience and one person stated that he now waits until he is well into a project before he will even mention it to anyone. Another raised the issue of it being important who you announce your goal to. In other words, will the people you tell hold you accountable by constantly asking you how far along you are.

This is an interesting concept and I would really like to hear your thoughts on shouting out your goals. Has your experience been similar to the people mentioned, or very different?

See Yourself Becoming... A Believer in Your Dreams

2010-08-11T23:41:00.029-04:00

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
Hebrews 11:1

I have been re-reading the book Psycho-Cybernetics that I stumbled upon years ago as a teenager, and realized just how much it shaped my life going forward. Looking back I now understand how this book was the foundation of a lot of my motivation and direction.

Your Creative Success Mechanism

The author, Maxwell Maltz, focuses on the power of beliefs and points out that someone with a poor self image has established the belief that things will always be bad for them because they are not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, or just not worthy. To counter that point of view Maltz outlines that each of us has what he calls a "creative success mechanism" which is our subconscious mind, and details how it continually works to provide what we desire. But it can only work based on our beliefs and is put into action only when we act on conviction.

Look for things that support your new belief

I found it significant that he declares changing our self image cannot be accomplished by will power or simply deciding. To change we have to change our beliefs by establishing some foundation that supports the new outlook. In short, we have to allow ourselves to feel the truth that there are parts of ourselves that, while not perfect, are worth supporting and building our dreams on. Find something that gives weight to what you have decided to believe, be it big or small, and use that as the foundation for the thought house you are now erecting. How you think is the primary difference in developing a new belief. For example, if you have a problem with weight, when you look in the mirror don't ask yourself if you look thin but do you look good!

Don't focus on the how but accept that it is there, you just can't see it yet.

And now comes the most important part: we have to think of this dream or goal as already in existence and that your creative success mechanism will either steer you toward it or help you discover it. I have mentioned before that when we were children anything was possible but as we get older somehow this feeling of possibility is beaten out of us. Reclaim it! And, accept that for right now the thing you want is simply not visible. I say that because so often we get hung up on the how to the point that we literally talk ourselves out of our dreams and find ourselves settling for what seems possible. Rather than trying to figure out how to make it work, develop the quiet assurance of letting it work... Begin to prepare just as if an unknown date has been set for it to arrive and you want your thought house clean and ready to receive this very welcome guest.

Be prepared to act and make adjustments.

In any endeavor there is a period of learning so don't be concerned if the pieces of the puzzle do not instantly fall into place. It is there, you just can't see it yet! Start by taking a step and then following the learning curve. For the moment you are opening doors and sooner or later your creative mechanism is going to point you in the direction of the right door. Don't expect to wait until you have proof, but assure yourself "it is there I just can't see it yet..." Then, be patient. It generally takes at least 21 days for a new habit to establish itself. Just keep confidently reassuring yourself and allow your mechanism to work.

Materialization

I realized today just how effective this approach can be. After a period of learning, I have recently been put in contact with someone who is working on a project for me that can have major consequences for a direction I want to take. I knew what I wanted but it always seemed just out of reach. For two years I have been saying "What I need is out there... I just have not found it yet." And then today, as I spoke with this very gifted woman, she outlined how she could accomplish exactly what I had imagined. She thought it was an off hand remark when I said "I knew you were out there... I just had not found you yet."

I just smiled!

See Yourself Becoming... Able to Start Your Dream

2010-08-05T12:48:00.016-04:00

" Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one truth that ignorance of kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings, and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." Goethe

I present that quote of Goethe because it illustrates exactly the requirement that once you have imagined the things you want in life, it makes sense to just begin. To just step out and start a path. The path does not have to always be clear because you will make adjustments, and people and circumstances will come your way that you never could have anticipated, all because you took that first step.

Our lives are shaped by our decisions (and make no mistake, deciding not to decide is a decision). And so in order to shape our lives we have to begin to shape our decisions: go left, go right, backup, go forward, or stand still, are all part of where do I hope to go with this decision? But, deciding is not enough. You would be amazed at the number of people who make a decision and then never follow up on the thought. But, just the act of taking a step (even a small step) puts the universe in action and opportunities we could never have imagined come your way. We allow destiny or Providence to have a hand in our lives simply by the act of taking that step.

I know it sounds strange but it does happen. For example, I had been been imagining myself giving speaking tours and just started giving free speaking engagements to whoever would allow me. One day a participant at one of these sessions asked me to lunch and mentioned that she had been contacted by a speakers bureau to do a number of speaking assignments but was not interested. She suggested that I contact them and use her name. I followed up on her suggestion and in no time had a national contract with a major company. Action causes things to happen!

Making decisions and putting vision to what we want (notice I did not say what we don't want because that becomes our focus, a point I will emphasis again and again) is the first important point. The second major point is to take action, the more immediate the better! You will be amazed at what will follow. And third, don't be afraid of what can follow. Whatever happens we will need to make adjustments in order to shape what comes and that is simply a part of being human and living life. We are all works in progress, and only become finished products when we breathe our last breath.

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it!"

See Yourself Becoming... Your Dreams!

2010-07-27T00:59:00.012-04:00

I've been reading reviews of the movie "Inception" and realized the movie highlights some of the very thoughts I have been trying to convey in this blog: Our dreams create our reality. Evidently in the movie the hero has trouble distinguishing between what are his dreams and waking reality. But, the truth is that dreams are a window into our subconscious and the subconscious does not limit itself to real or unreal but simply what we present to it. Or put simply, our dreams become our reality.

We tend to limit ourselves to thinking that dreaming occurs only while we sleep, but we dream constantly in the waking state. Don't believe me? Then what are "daydreams?" In the clinical sense our brainwaves slow and we enter the Theta brain state which is somewhere between actual sleep and full consciousness. In Theta is where we are most creative and subject to thought switching. We do this all the time and that is part of the reason some people say they get some of their best ideas while doing freeway driving or out running.

"The Secret" became a media sensation when it really was not a secret at all. It was simply the instruction to give your mind free reign to visualize the things you wanted and then let your subconscious work on how to make it happen. Some of us are just better at using this facility than others and is part of the reason I titled this blog "Coactive Dreams" because it means dreaming with a purpose. And, by dreaming with a purpose I am not talking about positive thinking or winning the lottery but consciously placing your focus on the things you want for your life. Notice I did not say "things you don't want in your life" because that becomes your focus.

In an earlier post I asked you to think about where were you when you felt the most happy? What was your proudest moment and how did that feel? When did you feel safe and cared for and what was happening at the time. I would like you to go back to one of those times and really explore and enjoy how you felt at that moment. As you relive that moment, gently take one hand and stroke the other. Do this several times until you are able to call up one of those feelings every time you rub one hand over the other. Now, think of some goal you previously felt was out of reach and gently rub one hand over the other. What you accomplish is putting yourself into a dream state (not sleep) that allows your mind free reign to focus in a positive way to work on this situation and find a way to match those feelings to the situation at hand. Become your dreams...

See Yourself Becoming... Able to Change

2010-07-22T11:55:00.011-04:00

By now you may have heard about Shirley Sherrod who was recently fired from her job at the US Department of Agriculture over a video tape that surfaced from 25 years ago where she was accused of stating that she discriminated against a white farmer. In this age of the internet and the 24 hour news cycle no one actually stopped to investigate if the tape had been edited to make the charge of discrimination appear real, but simply fired Ms. Sherrod via blackberry by the side of the road on her way to an appointment.

There is something good that did come out of this story however. Someone finally took the time to view the entire video and learned that it had been edited. And, along with viewing the entire video came to learn that a woman whose father had been killed by whites because of his civil rights work could learn to forgive and make a change to help all people regardless of color. In fact, the very farmer she mentioned in the video came forward to speak on her behalf; and her ordeal accomplished what has not happened in this country for a long time: people on the right and the left of the political spectrum spoke out that she had been wronged. AND, I am glad to announce that she was offered her job back.

Below is a partial clip of an interview from CNN where she discusses her own transformation and the ability to change.

And What a legacy...

2010-07-16T18:47:00.001-04:00

Periodically I read the obituaries of the NY Times because that section of the paper provides a link to people who mark significant milestones in my life and their passing. Today I was surprise to learn of the death of William Hawkins. The name may not mean much to a lot of people but to me he marked a time in my life when I was struggling on an emotional level and the song he helped write would serve to lift my spirit every time I heard it on the radio. The song I am talking about is "O' Happy day." William Hawkins was not the front man his brother who recorded the song was. He helped write something timeless and then stepped back into the background doing other things.

I was very young then and thought I was one of the few who gained from the absolute joy the song was able to convey. Little did I know that the song which the NY Times describes as a "hymn like incantation with a funky underbeat," would go on to become a crossover hit. So much so the choir was featured on Saturday Night Live.

No matter your religious beliefs, you cannot help but feel the sheer joy the song seems to reach out and impart! I found a video clip on YouTube and hope it serves to up lift you as well.

See Yourself Becoming... Able to Choose

2010-07-09T11:44:00.018-04:00

When I began this blog my first post was a comparison between man and an ant. I think I made it sound simple, so simple in fact that a good number of you dismissed it as too simple to be possible.

The point I made in that original post was that the ant from the moment it is born has no choice in how its life will play out. It is guided by instinct with decisions centered around the perimeters of it's instinct (move the earth to the left or right). Man on the other hand possesses a powerful mental device: his mind and the creative imagination contained as a function of it.

I call it a device because our mind is really one of the most powerful computers you could ever imagine. Think about it. If you were to decide to stand up from the chair you are sitting in right now: first there is the desire and then millions of calculations that go into telling the appropriate muscles to move and then calculate the rate at which those muscles have to move in order for you to stand up slowly or move quickly.

Our subconscious mind works pretty much in the same manner. It collects and files every bit of information we encounter in addition to our thoughts, beliefs, or interpretations. All of this is stored in the form of images or mental pictures that are later linked by our imagination. If you have ever watched any of those "Sell This House" shows where a decorator comes in and rearranges the house and then opens it up to potential buyers, you periodically see the decorator baking cookies just before the buyers arrive. The smell of fresh baked cookies brings up images of fun and happy anticipation and the buyers unconsciously pull up the mental image of expecting something good.

If we without thinking feed our device thoughts or self images of being incapable, undeserving, or just plain unworthy; this information is processed and acted upon in providing a dysfunctional "solution" to any problem we may encounter. In this same way we can decide the mental images we want to use to help us make connections that will guide us in the direction we really want to go.

In keeping with the computer analogy, this series is designed to help you rewrite the code that governs your device to help you establish a new program. And yes, it is easy but also requires that you resolve to create new habits. And we will get into the steps as the series moves along. In the meantime, think about connects that you have made in the past. Things like where were you when you felt the most happy? What was your proudest moment and how did that feel? When did you feel safe and cared for and what was happening at the time. Just make a mental note of those moments until the next post...

See Yourself Becoming...

2010-07-02T12:16:00.011-04:00

A recurring theme I have been hearing from clients of late is that they feel stuck in patterns or problems that they cannot imagine escaping. My response is that there is always an answer but you have to allow your imagination free reign to find it.

You have to see yourself becoming the person you want to be. This always gets an odd look, but it is so very true.

Each and everyone of us has been given a wonderful gift, which is our mind. It is a mechanism that records everything we see, say, or do and stores it for future reference. Our imagination serves to provide blue print instructions for it to help us construct the things we want. Our imagination is put into play when we act. I guess you could say that is why it says in the Bible that faith without works is dead. To say we believe something and then sit is not belief at all but simply a statement made without the force to launch it.

Some of you have probably read what I have written above and instantly placed it in the category of positive thinking but this is far from that! Positive thinking is a wish or a hope and let the chips fall where they may.

I am talking about first providing a mental construct or image of where or who you want to be and then behaving as if you already have or have become it.

This is such an important topic that I plan to do a series of posts on the subject. Stay tuned...

Thinking long Term, But Acting Short Term

2010-05-19T10:36:00.011-04:00

Every now and then when working on a project I have to stop and ask myself does this action help my long term goals? I say that because we constantly tell ourselves we are thinking long term but constantly wonder how we ended up at a place that is far from where we wanted to be because of the short term actions we took.

I cannot over emphasis the benefits of writing down our goals, dreams, or just plain ideas. The simple act of writing it down forces you to organize the idea in your head. The planning out in your head of where you want to go gives you a long term horizon. Once it has been written down, do it in a place where you can go back to it from time to time and review what you have written and new steps or ideas that can be added based on things you have learned.

Now comes the hard part... resist the quick fix, "I want it now" that can come with short term actions. Short term thinking by it's very nature generally gets us what we want right now but right now may not be what we want a year from now and may even require us to spend a good deal of time undoing the damage caused by right now.

We have all heard about the great deal that will get us $1,000 back if we act today! Never mind that to get that money requires us to spend $300 a month over four years making payments. We want that $1,000 right now! Advertisers do it all the time because it works. We focus on the short term gain but forget the long term slight of hand employed. And that is where our list comes in. It gives us something tangible to come back to and ask ourselves "Is this part of the long term goal and how will this action affect where I want to be a year from now?" Your list slows down the emotionalism of the desire for the want of the moment.

I'm not against short term thinking, because it involves the decisions we have to make on a day to day basis that propels us forward. What I am for is understanding how what you do today will help or hinder your overall plan to do thus and so... and your list helps you work out if what is in front of you is a want or a need. I know this is asking a lot in a culture that constantly tells us to we can have it now, but take a moment to savor how accomplished you are going to feel when all of those efforts toward the long term actually materialize... and they will!

The Long Days Journey Into Night...

2010-05-06T01:14:00.009-04:00

My elderly neighbor across the street is the heart of the neighborhood. He is a funny guy who always has a friendly greeting for me as we make our trips to the mailbox and has a million stories to tell me about his adventures through life.

But, I have all kinds of stories about him as well and was telling his son some of them the other day. Like the time he ran over my mailbox and came very sheepishly with a new one and was shocked when I told him to just give me money for more cement to restore the bunker I currently have...

Or the annual ritual of his inviting us over to get our fill of tangerines from the tree he has in his backyard. It is a simple event but always fun because he takes such pleasure in using a tool that allows him to reach up and grab tangerines from the very top of the tree.

His son laughed and laughed as I gave him a side of his father that he did not know. I mention all of this because my neighbor may not remember these events. His son told me he has Alzheimer and is only able to visit his house periodically now.

I thanked his son for telling me and told him on his father's long journey into night he should always remember that no one ever dies as long as they live on in the memory of others, and though his father might not remember... I would remember for the both of us!

The Next Generation

2010-04-28T12:48:00.005-04:00

Whenever I find myself wondering about the next generation I am encouraged by people such as the young woman in this video. She is helping to shape young lives and watching it made me feel inspired and encouraged.

Einstein and Madness...

2010-04-24T13:16:00.017-04:00

My private practice has really picked up and couple that with the seminars I have been doing and I have feverishly been working. One thing that has really jumped out at me of late is the fact that sometimes people come to me implying "I want to keep doing what I am doing but this time I want things to change."

I think it was Einstein who said "Madness is to keep doing the same thing over and over but each time expecting a different result." Now before you think I'm being mean... just hear me out. I do understand that we are all creatures of habit and desire to remain in our areas of comfort and yet deep down we pray for change. However, I also understand that there is that push we have to give ourselves to resist inertia and move which may also mean having to laugh at our mistakes but also reward ourselves with the fact that we have learned something along the way.

Lately I have been reading up on the new science of metacognition, or put simply: thinking about thinking. Metacognition directs us to become self aware and realize how we tend to think about things and then adjust our thinking when we encounter one of our triggers to think in the old way. For example: If left to my own devices I would sit in my home office and work on a million different projects that do not require me to interact with people. So when I have planned an outing and then find myself coming up with an excuse not to go, I tell myself "you're coming up with excuses again" and push myself to just... GO! My gallery is a testament to the thousands of pushes I have had to give myself and the fun I had when I did. I know you too have done the same; meaning: talked yourself out of doing something, grudgingly did it, and then remarked on how much fun you had after you did.

There is something in our brains that likes to keep repeating patterns no matter how harmful those patterns can be sometimes. We want to keep doing the same thing but this time somehow things will be different.

And so I challenge you: when you feel yourself falling back into those patterns that have not gotten you what you wanted, tell yourself "I'm doing it again" and just GO!

Into the Mystic...

2010-04-12T13:34:00.013-04:00

The internet is a strange and magical thing... You know people from all over the world and don't give a thought to it because distance is not part of the equation.

I say that because last night I learned that a friend of 15 years from Australia had died.

Charles Munster was a friend and yet more... He became the mentor who showed me the ropes during my stay in Sydney and represented what it meant to be Australian. Later, he became the person I always ran to for online advice. He was the kind heart who proudly marveled at the latest accomplishments of his children and Grandchildren; and despite being an Aussie bloke would instantly tear up when he recalled them. Always there with a witty joke and quick smile, I could depend on him for support and comfort as someone who really knew me and was ever present on the sidelines cheering me on.

He loved my emails detailing the latest adventures because he too was an adventurer. One of those people like me who constantly wondered what was over the next hill and could not wait to strike out to discover it. Even while in the hospital three weeks ago he was still planning new adventures, so you can imagine my surprise when I read the online death notice and realized that Charles was now on the adventure of adventures... into the mystic!

Forgetting what is Behind... Facing Future!

2010-03-28T16:07:00.014-04:00

From time to time we all have to face the tough stuff and I am no different. And so I announce that Alex and I are no more. It did not happen with a bang but more a small whimper as it just made sense go in another direction and he, by his actions agreed.

In making my decision a million thoughts went through my head regarding all the things we had shared and the fun we had sharing them. But, I've also lived my life moving forward and facing my fears. Whenever I reach a turning point like this I am reminded of a passage by Paul in the Bible where he states "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on..."

I love that passage because it calls to mind the fact that we always attempt to hold on to the current while attempting to grasp the next. It calls to mind a mental image of a man standing with both arms outstretched, one firmly attached to what is behind and the other floating in the air in front feverishly attempting to grasp the just out of reach new... We hold on because of fear: fear of loss, fear of the new, and just fear itself.

But here is where leaps of faith come in. It involves the realization that in order to fill the gap we have to let go and push through all the stuff that holds us to make that push to the other side. I've learned there are no failures, but only outcomes. And so my friends, I am taking my leap. I'm certain there will be times when I will fall but also times when I will soar in my new life... facing future!

If Not Now...Then When?

2010-03-18T12:00:00.015-04:00

I had lunch with a friend recently and offered her encouragement during a difficult time. I mentioned something I witnessed and always come back to when I am having doubts or feel unsure.

I described watching an 8 man rowing competition during the Summer Olympics several years ago and listening to the coxswain (rhythm keeper) describe how he motivated the winning team during a period in the race when they were behind.

the coxswain is generally a small person because that position does not do any rowing. However, the job is vitally important because it sets the pace, steers the boat, and provides motivation to pull harder to win the race.

I listened in wonder as this tiny man described how he felt as his team began to fall behind their biggest rivals who had beaten them on several occasions. They had given up weekends, gone without things and not fulfilled family obligations to train to beat this team and now they were falling behind. He said he just became angry and began to shout to his team mates: “If not you then who… If not now then when?” He yelled this at the top of his lungs and picked up the pace.

Keep in mind that rowing is a sport that exercises all the major muscle groups and is a test of cardiovascular endurance as well. That said I’m certain that before he started yelling this, his team members muscles were already

yelling “pain!” “pain!” “pain!”

This tiny man said he kept yelling at the top of his lungs “If not you then who… If not now then when?” faster and faster and with each stroke his mantra became more desperate! And slowly they began to pull up to the other team and edged them for the win.

I told my friend this was a lesson for me whenever I found myself ready to give myself an excuse or give in to my fears. "If not you then who... if not now then when?" We spend whole lifetimes trying to avoid the difficult stuff when it serves a useful purpose.

We ask God to take away the obstacles when he has told us he will be with us when we go through the fire, not that he would remove the fire. So when you start your day, ask yourself "If not me then who... if not now then when?"

But Woz Didn't Know It Was Impossible...

2010-02-27T16:22:00.021-05:00

I was doing some research at the library and stumbled upon one of my favorite documentaries: "The Triumph of the Nerds". It chronicles the development of the wonderful instrument you are using right now to read this post... the personal computer!

We all know the story of Steve Jobs and Stephen Wozniak creating Apple Computer in their parent's garage in California. But what gets lost in the story is just how accidental it all was. You have heard me say in numerous posts to develop a vision of something you want to do and then see yourself doing it over and over and then just start. It is at that point, your brain and the universe will find a way to make it happen! Well, the adventure of these two men are a perfect example of those directions.

Jobs was the idea man and Wozniak (Woz) was the self taught engineer. They started out wanting to impress their friends and Jobs got the idea to create a packaged computer. At this point we need to go back in time and remember that IBM was king and computers were huge machines that took up whole rooms. Jobs wanted to create a packaged computer that was smaller and could be sold to their friends. He asked Woz to see if he could miniaturize the circuitry that would allow them to create this small size computer. And this is where the story really gets interesting, Woz went off to work on it and a few months later returned to say he had done it!

Woz didn't know it was impossible and no one had told him that IBM had thousands of engineers working on the idea and said it could not be done. He started out with a vision and kept himself open to the idea that anything was possible.

If we tell ourselves we cannot do something, then we won't. Almost 80% of our brain is devoted to processing images, and that is a lot of processing power! If we give ourselves the image of success then that is what we get. The mind will find a way! But, if we feed ourselves the image of defeat then that is what we will get as well.

So when I tell you to create an image for yourself and just start, I mean it literally! The image that you have created for yourself will call into action every cell of your being and just starting brings in the help of the universe.

The world was revolutionized because "Woz didn't know it was impossible."

Your Six Word Memoir

2010-02-09T21:46:00.015-05:00

I was driving along the other day listening to NPR (National Public Radio) and they did a feature on a website that lists "Six Word Memoirs".

As they talked about it, the show really got my attention. How could you write your memoir in just six words? How could you get it all down in something as small as six words? The story of how my sister stole my boyfriend in Junior high would take two pages minimum!

Once I arrived home I went to the site to check things out. They have collected so many that they are now in a book that made the NY Times best seller list. Some of the memoirs were fairly thought provoking. And then it hit me! That was the whole idea. Forcing you to stay within those six words made you get beyond the slights and hurts and down to the major themes of your life.

So the next step was for me to take a moment and really think about my life, how I had lived it, and then come up with my six words.

Well gang, here is my memoir:

I wanted freedom, and got adventure!

It proved an interesting experiment and one I thought you might enjoy as well. And so, I would love to read your six word memoirs. This is your time to shine! Take a moment and really give some thought to it, and then work on your six words.

I'm waiting...

The Engineer and The Artist: What are you taking for granted?

2010-01-31T19:09:00.028-05:00

There have been a number of long term relationship break-ups of late from Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (23 years) to the recent announcement from Charlize Theron and her partner of 9 years actor Stuart Townsend.

In doing a couple of marital counseling sessions recently, what came to mind is the "Engineer and the Artist" syndrome in relationships. These couples work because they are opposites and by being so compliment each other. Examples would be the shy girl who picks someone outgoing; or the very logical guy who marries the whimsical girl.

These choices indicate on some level a desire to be whole in that the other fulfills a part of themselves they are unable to master. True there are conflicts but for the most part these relationships can work when the couple finds common ground and build a relationship based on that connection. But what happens when they stop working? What happens when the engineer and the artist stop understanding the others point of view.

Ms Theron said it best when she released her statement that "(We) had become more like brother and sister than lovers." And so I have to ask "What are you taking for granted?" The engineer thinks it is logical that his partner should know how much he cares; and the artist is hoping for the fairytale romance that never seems to arrive. They lose that important connection that holds the relationship together and drift along until one day one or the other finally just gives up.

The other day as I was entering the grocery store a man walked out with a bouquet of flowers. I greeted him with "Someone is being nice..." His reply "And I'm not in trouble either!" Has it come down to doing something nice just to get out of trouble? When was the last time you and your partner simply laid in bed and talked? Re-establishing the connection does not have to be expensive either: When was the last time you packed a lunch and just sat in the park? Or ladies, when was the last time you made a dinner he likes or wore your hair in a style you know he favors just because?

Relationships tend to die from a million little cuts. A small gesture on a personal level provides the salve that can allow those cuts to begin to heal, while opening the lines of communication. So ask yourself "What am I taking for granted?" because it might worth it not to...

Dealing with the Difficult Boss

2010-01-20T22:29:00.025-05:00

I have not done a post in awhile because right after the first of the year I picked up a good number of clients through my work as a provider of Employee Assistance Counseling and really have been busy. The sluggish economy has trapped a good number of people in situations they have had to endure and the stress level has gone through the roof.

What is apparent with some of the people I see is that this is a fertile hunting ground for what could be described as "the difficult boss." Most of us at some point in our working lives will encounter this person. They are controlling and some are down right abusive. They seem to take pleasure in lowering your self esteem or making you live in constant fear. The fear centers around the fact that a supervisor has control over one of your most basic needs - the ability to pay your bills and put food on the table.

And so, I decided to post on some of the things you can do to deal with the difficult boss. But, before I do I also want to encourage you to take advantage of opportunities to learn a new skill or process. I know someone on a personal level who is trapped under an abusive boss but over the years when he could have increased his skill level just sat there and refused to learn anything new. He now has very little to put on a resume or even encourage a transfer within the company because he knows only one thing. And this is what the difficult boss trades on, you seeing yourself as a victim and having very little backup to attract another employer.

Tactic #1 Try not to react with emotion to harsh criticism

Sometimes it may take all your strength to not yell back that this is unfair or become excited but this can prove counter productive as it may cause a test of egos and difficult bosses have monumental egos and a lot more leverage than you. Try to dissociate yourself from your anger or take a deep breath and become numb to their behavior. I know it sounds like a weak response but it is a powerful tactic in that it robs the abuser of the very thing he wants which is a reaction.

Tactic #2 Take a proactive stance

Approach him/her in a friendly manner and ask for detail instructions on how they want things done. It gives them the impression that you have submitted and on an informal basis establishes the rules of the game. What they come up with may be overwhelming but at least you are now clear on what the requirements are.

Tactic #3 Gather the support of others

If there are supportive people you can turn to by all means do! I say that because one of the main results of dealing with a difficult boss is that it undermines your confidence and self esteem. It is reassuring to have someone to confide in to refute the poison attacks coming your way. Your support system can serve to boost your confidence and let you know it is not you but your situation, which is very important. They are also a good resource for information on how they may have handled a similar situation in the past.

Tactic #4 Manage the manager

Everyone likes a pat on the back for good behavior and so does the difficult boss. Do what the animal trainers do and ignore bad behavior and reward the good. If you have watched any of those dog training shows, the first thing the trainer does is give the dog a treat when it has performed the trick. This may establish positive associations about you in the mind of the difficult boss. Another effective approach is "mirroring": Smile or frown as they do or even assume a similar body position when they are speaking. Because people usually accept their mirror image with ease, mirroring the person speaking generally makes them feel more relaxed allowing them to open up. Try not to be too obvious about it but it does work.

The difficult boss is just that difficult and generally is something to be endured until you are able to apply for another situation or move within the company. But, I cannot over emphasis developing your skill-set in as many ways as possible... it gives you more options for movement.

A New Decade and a New Day

2010-01-01T14:23:00.006-05:00

I woke up this morning to rain clouds, cold and a new year. The clouds soon passed, the cold remained and the new year was definitely here.

Alex is in Moscow bringing in the New Year with family and friends that he has not seen in ages so I have time for reflection. The New Year always offers the promise to reset the clock, to see our lives in a new light. But, the potential does not always match the motivation.

Every year I write down in the back of a new Journal what I hope to accomplish in the coming months. I write it in the back so at the end of the year I stumble upon them and can match where I am in relation to the things I wrote.

And so I will offer the same advice to you. Write down the changes you would like to see in your life. Give them lots of thought in terms of what you think they will add to your life. And just as much as you give thought to them, I want you to give even less to how you are going to accomplish them. At this point simply resolve that this is the direction that you want to go.

And now comes the most important part... Just start! Resolve to do a little bit every day. Just do it! One day after the next just do a little something that moves you toward where you saw yourself when you wrote down that thing that would enhance your life. And the funny thing is, you will gradually find a plan emerging...

It is a new decade and a New Year... Just start!

Happy New Year!

Learning to Take a Deep Breath

2009-12-23T14:20:00.016-05:00

The other day I was driving on the way to visit a friend in the hospital. My head was full of good thoughts about cheering my friend up during a very bad time so close to Christmas, and out of the blue someone in an SUV cut in front of me and pushed me out of my lane.

Let me say this was not an accidental move but very intentional. The lane the SUV was in was a merge lane that would end soon and signs were posted everywhere to that fact. The SUV was driving beside me for a good part of the distance and it was plain to see that there was no one behind me, so it would have been quite easy to simply pull behind me and proceed on.

I drive a very small car and what was very apparent was that the person in the SUV had decided to take advantage of the size difference to speed up and muscle their way into my lane. It worked! I was forced to jam on the brake and swerve partially into the other lane to avoid an accident.

Needless to say my blood was boiling and once the situation had been brought right I was determined to pull ahead of the SUV, jump in front of them, and then slam on the brake to give them a taste of their own medicine (a common tactic here in Florida where aggressive driving is the State pastime).

And then something in my head said "Take a deep breath and let it go." What I found funny was me driving along arguing with myself... "But this person needs to be taught a lesson!" "No, you have better things to do. Think about how great your friend in the hospital will feel to see you!" "But this person is a bully and should not be allowed to get away with that type of behavior!" "You are angry right now, but think about how this could escalate. Take a deep breath and let it go!" And so I did... but I will admit my blood was still boiling but I kept repeating that mantra "Let it go... let it go!" and soon felt calmer.

I arrived at the hospital and had a wonderful visit with my friend. She told me I made her laugh so much that the stitches on her stomach hurt but it felt good. And, I felt good as well.

Driving home I relived the event and was glad I did not allow myself to get sidetracked on the visit to my friend. And then, that voice I heard before returned and said "You did the right thing to let it go. Besides, you really laid on the horn when the SUV made that stupid move and embarrassed the heck out of them!"

I thanked my inner voice and order was restored. That instruction to take a deep breath has some basis in science in that oxygen is a natural relaxant, even though when someone says it to you you want to scream, it really does work. The holidays can be more than stressful with people rushing here and there... allow yourself a moment and take a deep breath...!

Sometimes a Rose is just a Rose!

2009-12-17T22:01:00.004-05:00

While this is not a political blog, I simply could not resist this video clip because sometimes a rose is just a rose...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Obama's Socialist Christmas Ornament Program

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

Become the Rope II

2009-12-10T02:22:00.006-05:00

The "You might also like" feature has really caused me to go back and review some of my earlier posts. And, I have decided to correct one that for some reason many of you were never able to hear because you could not make the mp3 play.

To correct the situation I have included what I think is a very important message behind a video clip of some of my photos. I hope, as you listen, the pictures will get you thinking about the idea presented: Become the Rope!

The Younger Generation

2009-11-30T20:28:00.016-05:00

When I was just out of college I can remember playing the music of Janis Joplin and watching my mother shake her head and walk off in dismay that the younger generation was headed off a cliff. Skip forward a few years and I have become my mother and many times find myself looking at the younger generation and shaking my head as well.

But, just when I think there is no hope I check back with a young woman by the name of Yolanda. I featured her a few months back after giving her an older digital camera I no longer used, and highlighted how she took the gift and really ran with it to do photo shoots for her self- published books. She always offers encouragement to me for her focus in that despite the up's and down's of being laid off from one of the two jobs she works, she does what we all have to do - keep going! And so, I think the younger generation is going to do just fine...

She has kept going by using her using her musical talent to create what she calls "beats" that are albums for easy listening and ring tones. Her album covers are creations generated from that same little camera, which lets me know it went to a good home.

So I thought I would give you a treat and do a little slide show update on Yolanda with her music as background. Her online store can be reached at this link.

And now to the slide show on the "Small Avalanche."

New Features and killer Apps

2009-11-25T13:32:00.008-05:00

For those of you who have not noticed, I have added the application at the bottom of each post "You might also like:" It is a very neat "app" in that it helps you go back and read some of my earliest posts and therefore learn how it all began.

And so, for those of you who like going back in time feel free to use it. For me it was a chance to go back and look at how far I have come with the blog, as well as a chance to smile and even cry a little when I read the post on my brother's death. I hope you will find it an enjoyable new feature...

Save Your Relationship by Understanding your Relationship With Money

2009-11-18T15:37:00.047-05:00

I have been doing a series of workshops at local churches on developing marriages by understanding your relationship with money and thought I would discuss the subject here. Years ago in graduate school I remember reading a book titled "The Mirages of Marriage" and in it the author details how when we fall in love we go through what could be considered a degree of madness. Our bodies are flooded with the hormone serotonin, "the feel good hormone" when we think about the other person and explains the longing to spend time with "the other" and how good we feel when we do. And so, when in the midst of this madness we think it is a dream killer to discuss things like money or how money will later affect the relationship.

It is the exceptional case however that we find someone who is exactly like us in any relationship. Successful relationships therefore involve being able to bridge the differences that we each bring to the joining . I find it interesting that we spend more time on who leaves the top off the toothpaste than we do on how we approach money matters in relation to our partner. That point is exceptionally important when you consider that divorce can be one of the most ruinous moves we can make to our financial security.

The Bible talks about not being unequally yoked and many people take that as a sign to assign blame when there may not be anything wrong with either party. Actually the yoking may involve more understanding of the different money approaches each partner brings to the relationship. If we know and understand in the beginning those differences then measures can be taken to avoid many of the pitfalls.

The following are four issues that you should discuss with your partner to understand their relationship to money:

What is your family history with money:
When you look back over your history, how did you see your parents deal with money, and how did that affect your money behavior? In my personal history my parents never seemed to have enough of it (I grew up in a large family which can be expensive) and as a result I tend to be frugal to avoid some of the traps they encountered. Because so many of our money behaviors are learned, it is a good exercise to simply ask your partner what are some of their earliest money memories. This is a lot less threatening and probably will get a more truthful response than a direct question of "how do you deal with money?"

The wealth factor:
As you gaze into the eyes of your partner, one never thinks about how much you would have to have in order to feel well off or comfortable. For example one partner may be willing to drive an older car with no car payments to have more money in the bank. Another may take pleasure in driving an expensive car, despite huge monthly payments, because he felt deprived growing up in a family that always had an old beat up car. How much is enough for you in your day-to-day life is something you need to discuss to understand how your partner views the issue. A good way to start the conversation is to ask "What would tell you that you had enough?", or "What would you have to have to make you feel good about yourself?"

Money means control:
Although it may never be voiced, most people understand that money is control. I have two friends who could never resolve the issue of who pays the bills every month and thus who controls the money in the relationship. I think they effectively dealt with the issue by sitting down and deciding who would pay which bills and then setting up a third checking account that each would place the funds for their assigned bill. In this way once their individual obligation had been satisfied they retained control over any remaining funds and tended to butt heads less often over their spending habits.

Easy payments and credit:
I have another friend who always seems to fall victim to the draw of "easy payments" without regard to how much she is paying. What she always seems to forget is that after you have several easy monthly payments they are not so easy any more and it begins to affect your credit rating. Asking your partner to request a copy of their credit report is very instructive because it provides a hard history of how they have handled credit or money in the past. This is a very important point because denial is a strong force and even the poorest money manager will answer that they are good with a dollar. Having a hard copy history is difficult to gloss over and provides an effective measure of understanding the traps to which they are prone to fall victim.

These are just some of the areas I discuss during the workshop but provides a short list of things you may want to go over to understand the person you want to share your life with. If you understand their thinking and therefore their behavior you can negotiate effective measures that can make certain money is not the spark that blows up the relationship!

Every Now and Then...

2009-11-10T12:44:00.012-05:00

Every now and then I click on the profiles of the people who follow me to read what you have to say. I do this to see what you are up to, find interesting information or inspiration. I guess you could say it is a case of who heals the healer...

This week I read a blog from someone I consider a good friend, despite never meeting her except through her blog, and was more than inspired. I wanted to share what she posted because I hope you might be inspired as well.

So click on the link I have highlighted at the end of this paragraph. In the future, I plan to feature others every now and then...

The Great Exchange: Your Past is not Your Future

2009-11-02T22:49:00.038-05:00

I was talking the other day to a friend who gloomily stated that most of his life had been so bad he could not imagine "that something good would ever happen to me." My friend is not someone you tend to avoid because he is continually negative but someone who is fun and intelligent. So it really surprised me to hear him make that statement.

He then proceeded to tell me some things about his history that really surprised me and made me marvel at the life he still was able to carve out for himself. That conversation really stuck with me throughout the day and then this thought came to me "Your past is not your future." I say that because sometimes we get so focused on all that has come before that we fail to take time to stop and marvel at just how far we have come.

I have said before that you cannot go forward looking back but I am still amazed at the number of people walking around bumping into things because their focus is on how broken they are by all the "stuff" that has happened to them. Yes, it is true that our life experiences tend to shape our world view; and some of those experiences have been less than wonderful or down right awful, but they do not guarantee more of the same.

I say that because that is what leaps of faith are all about: despite all that has come before, being willing to try one more time to stretch and get to the other side. I know there are times when we cannot help ourselves when thoughts about mistakes we have made or things that have happened to us pop into our heads and take us back down that road traveled so many times . That is what the mind does. But, if we are going to travel backwards make it a journey of your own choosing.

You may not be an astronaut, Donald Trump, or a movie star but somewhere down the line you did something right to get to this point. So when you feel tempted to get down on yourself that nothing good can ever happen for you, choose a mental path that takes you back to a situation you thought you could not overcome but did and rejoice at your triumph. Really look at what you had to overcome and how far you have advanced in the process. That action alone establishes the fact that things can improve because you have seen it happen. Then use that energy to take your leap of faith that things can move forward, that you are deserving of a better future, and then pledge to work toward it... step by step. You can take big steps or small steps but step... by... step!

Next keep in mind that life is not physics and does not move in a straight line or follow an equation. Yes, there will be set-backs and disappointments, "stuff" happens. However, that is the best time to look back at how far you have come and pull up those memories of things you have overcome despite your past. Use that energy to make up your mind that the past cannot hold you no matter what depressing thought attempts to haunt you because you know that you have overcome before. And then, prepare to take your leap...

That is what I told my friend!

Go Out and Make it a great Day...

2009-10-22T22:01:00.066-04:00

Yesterday I was listening to an author interview of one of the passengers on the flight that went down in New York earlier this year. It was the event that amazed the world where a veteran pilot managed one of the most difficult of tasks and did a water landing that allowed all 155 passengers to walk off the downed plane unharmed.

The book is titled "Miracle Landing on the Hudson" and details the roller coaster ride of their emotions once they learned the plane was going down, their fear as they prepared to land on the Hudson River, and finally their fear as they waited on the wing for rescue to arrive.

The fear of our own mortality is a powerful force that few handle with grace. And, I found it amazing that the flight contained a Christian minister, a Jewish Rabbi, a Muslim, and a Buddhist. In the minutes before the landing when their fear of death hung like a cloud over the entire cabin, each helped others anchor their faith based on their beliefs. One can only imagine the prayers and chants that rose up during those final moments.

Having survived the crash which was a miracle in itself, they then faced the prospect of drowning as they exited the plane and stood on the wing while the plane slowly began to sink. It took a little over 5 minutes for the rescue boats to arrive, a short time indeed, but I am certain it felt like hours.

But the most significant part of this interview was how he described his life after the event. He said he had always described himself as a hard charging, Type A, goal oriented person. Once he was forced to face what we all so effectively avoid, the possibility of his own death, he realized the importance of living in the moment.

For him it was a life changing event because he always assumed there would be more time. It made him realize that he had to make the time to enjoy the life he already had while he focused on where he wanted to go. As he put it "I used to get up in the morning and grumble about having a bad day. Now I wake up and tell myself to go out and make it a great day because I have been given the gift of more time..."

I thought I would share his story with you to bring home the point that every day we wake up is a gift that should be appreciated for the wonderful thing it is. Go out and make it a great day!

The Senior Center Romeo!

2009-10-16T15:33:00.112-04:00

My father at 86 years old has gone through a crisis. He has lived long enough to see a black man become President, feel his bones become brittle, survive hip surgery, and now to try to continue his life with limited mobility.

A few years ago when he was more mobile we asked him about going to Wiley Senior Center near our neighborhood. He refused stating "Why do I want to hang around those old people?" But then came the hip surgery... and his world became smaller.

It now consists of his backyard,

filling a bird feeder

and growing plants for a garden he tends that is a smaller version of his former life of 27 years as a greens keeper at a Country Club.

A few days ago I took a chance and asked once again if he wanted to try the Senior Center. He responded as if it was a new thought: "That is a good idea... I had not thought about doing that but I am willing to go!" My brother's response was that he would believe it when it happened because he had refused in the past.

The big day arrived and my sister called me with a report that my father had gotten up early and was getting dressed! I almost fell out of my chair because it confirmed commitment on his part. I arrived to pick him up and he was dressed but simply needed help closing the velcro on his shoes (age makes children of us all).

We arrived at the Wiley Senior Center and a very attractive older woman named Dee gave us a tour. She happily chatted with Daddy and I could only watch in wonder at his shyness and the fact he seemed to come alive as he followed Dee around the facility. I was not allowed to stay as Dee told me their program "was not kindergarten." And yet, as I left I understood how parents feel when they leave their children on the first day of school.

I returned several hours later and found Daddy in the Dining area finishing up the provided lunch. He was talking with two other men and seemed quite pleased with himself. One older woman sitting near by told me "He did just fine!" As we walked toward the door to leave two other older women asked me "Is he coming back?" Daddy just kept walking...

Later that evening as the family discussed the big outing, Daddy indicated he enjoyed the event but would not discuss why the two women asked about his returning. I had to smile because it appears my father has become the Senior Center Romeo!

How to Learn to Love Your Anger

2009-10-09T23:55:00.449-04:00

Contrary to popular thought and Town Hall meetings, anger is a normal and healthy response to what is generally a difficult situation. And, if we learn to harness our anger we can help ourselves experience dramatic personal growth.

We normally experience anger when there is a gap between what we expect and what we have. And we either need to find a way to satisfy our desire or accept with passive resignation (and an undercurrent of hostility) what we have. Passive hostility allows us to deny anger but sets us up for constant conflict.

So... the first step is to allow ourselves to admit our anger because anger is the expression of disappointment. In fact, disappointment is the primary emotion in most situations and anger follows as a secondary emotion. If you find someone who has difficulty with anger, you can expect them to have difficulty with disappointment.

Identifying the source of our anger means we have to be mindful of the emotion driving the response. Admit to yourself or if possible the other person that what happened was a disappointment. Then, immediately follow that up with some affirming statement: "I would prefer this or that" which opens the situation up for negotiation, or "I prefer that and this is how I will work to get it." In this way our anger forces us to initiate steps that push aside disappointment and leads to positive action.

I remember when I was working on my backyard pergola in the summer heat and Alex who medically cannot stand the sun could not help me. Every time I found myself becoming angry at him I said to myself "No one can save me but me and I am angry because I want to be rescued from the work involved in the project I desired." Every time I reasoned this out I channeled my anger into determination to get this thing done!

When you plan to act in your own behalf, you get results. Results are the practical outcome of being mindful of what moves or should I say the recognition of where the disconnect between desire and outcome lies. It becomes a sort of mental "I can do this!" and boosts your self worth. If you are not able to experience your anger, you will not get results. This is also why hostile or passive people have so little to show for their effort because they are stuck and moving forward is not an option.

So learn to love your anger... it's trying to tell you something!

The Great Exchange: Beware the Virus !!

2009-10-03T13:27:00.668-04:00

There is a virus that is dangerous to all of us. It does not know the time of the season , gives no respect to social class or your position in life. The virus is blame. Once you blame someone for an outcome you did not like (even if they did what you say they did) you allow yourself to become infected with an extremely powerful and quick spreading germ that knows no end. In other words you become a victim.

Why is avoiding blaming so important? It is important because people who constantly blame secretly feel controlled by others, see themselves as powerless and feel out of control in their own lives. All of their time and energy is focused on what was done to them and not how to get out of the situation and possible learn from it. Beware the blamer because they carry a virus that is highly contagious and it does not take long before you too have become infected and focused on the problem and not the solution.

The cure for the blamer virus is believing that you are responsible for your life, that it will not always be perfect but you can take actions that result in positive changes. We can read books, check out things like this blog, or align ourselves with positive people that can show you the right direction. But, we have to accept that if we are looking for others to fix the situation it is just not going to happen.

The way of success is knowing that change for the better has to come from inside your own head. Successful people are internally focused. They have forced their focus on to exactly what they want. They have committed themselves to learning more and better ways of getting what they want despite the things that have happened to them.

So fight the blame virus. Begin, even on a small scale, to take control. Allow yourself to see that you may not be a rocket scientist but have a brain that is capable of making good, strong and right decisions. You made it here didn't you? Realize that you are in control of your life and that decisions flow from you, not to you!

Become the Rope

2009-09-25T18:15:00.148-04:00

While I have been laid up with the flu I had the chance to play with some features and decided to do an audio blog. What came to mind was something my blogger friend Terre mentioned "We get what we focus on."

Below is the result of time on my hands and lots of ideas. Double click on the MP3 icon, give it a moment to load and the audio will begin to play. Sometimes the MP3 may not initially appear and I suggest you simply refresh the page which should for some reason cause it to appear!

How do you know when you have jumped the pig...?

2009-09-23T22:09:00.116-04:00

It all started Saturday evening with me feeling just a little down. But, as the evening went on I began to feel worse and worse.

By Sunday, there was no mistaking the signs... I had jumped the pig (as in maybe swine flu) and have been in bed since Sunday night. I'm gradually beginning to feel better but still staying close to the bed and watching lots of bad TV (boy am I bored but can't help myself).

So hang in there gang, the coactive dreamer will return soon!

Your Imagination has no Limit

2009-09-16T18:27:00.606-04:00

I was talking with a client the other day as she gave me a report on taking a timed high stakes national exam she had come to dread. During our sessions we had worked on her being able to "see" where she wanted to be as well as beginning to think that it was possible. I could see her entire attitude begin to change as we went through each exercise until she came in one day, looked me in the eye and said "I can do this!"

We began with me doing a relaxation exercise with her. I explained that she had an excellent mind and no longer needed to worry about studying because now she had an almost photographic memory and everything she read in preparation for the test would be burned into that memory. Before she worried that she would not remember all the answers to this 300 question exam. But now she had to shift her focus because it was a matter of being able to put as much information as possible in front of her eyes.

Our next exercise was for her to remember a time when she felt powerful and strong after she had done something very difficult, to really take in that feeling and let it flow throughout her entire body. She was to take in every ounce of that sensation and give herself permission to enjoy every bit of it. I asked her to enjoy that feeling because I wanted her to bring up that feeling every time she began to doubt herself regarding that exam.

I give her all the credit because she was the one who chose to believe, and once she began to look past her fear to the dream she was working on with all her heart, her subconscious began to kick in to bring it into reality. Previously, the mental picture she had before her was that she would not remember all the facts she needed. She replaced that image with how capable she felt being able to overcome anything but she had to keep putting more and more information in front of her eyes and into her memory. And that was where she was that day when she walked in and said "I can do this!"

I listened, over the phone, to her joy and excitement as she told me "I passed and still had 30 minutes left!" and realized the limits in our lives are based on our imagination and the courage to use it. It is not magic and sometimes it is not easy but if we are willing to give our dreams free reign they will pull us to heights beyond our ability to imagine.

That if we are willing to step out, there are amazing things waiting to happen in our lives. Those steps are the things that a coach and psychotherapist like me live for!

The Great Exchange: The Power of Vision and Belief...

2009-09-11T00:08:00.112-04:00

I am getting ready for the final matches of the U.S. Open Tennis Tournament and like millions of other Americans have been transfixed by a short little miracle by the name of Melanie Oudin. Just in case you have been in a cave for the last two weeks; she is a 17 year old tennis player from Marietta, Georgia who proved to be a giant killer. She walked out of no where and beat Maria Sharapova and Jelena Jankovic, two players once ranked number 1 . She then turned around and defeated a former number 4 right up to the quarter finals. Keep in mind this young woman was eliminated in the first round of almost every major tournament she entered.

By now you like everyone have heard the story of her trying to think of a motto to put on her tennis shoes, and her boyfriend suggesting "believe...". Melanie seems to have taken that motto to heart and developed a vision of where she wanted to go and then stuck to it. It goes back to something I have pointed out on numerous blogs, that you have to have a dream you can draw on when the road gets rough. As Melanie put it "I just made up my mind and decided to believe I could play these girls and I had a right to be here, that I could beat any of them."

And beat them she did, each time digging her way out of a first set hole to come back and win the match. Now, everyone is talking about her mental toughness. Listen as Tracy Austin, another former great young player, describes Melanie's focus during a NY Times interview:

“I think mental strength is the same as a serve or a forehand as a weapon. Mental toughness is just as important. The fact she can reboot and get back to the point at hand is a total gift.”

Melanie is living proof of the power of belief. That we all have to wander in the wilderness for a time but if we keep our dream in front of us, we can reach our promise land. Believe in the power of belief...

When Your Flight Crashes and Southwest is Your Flotation Device

2009-09-06T18:13:00.050-04:00

I have been flying more years than I care to remember, have several frequent flyer memberships, and I guess you could say I know my way around airports. Two weeks ago I took a much needed vacation in Denver and the act of missing my return flight had me saying with gritted teeth that I will NEVER again fly Delta. On the other hand, I have also developed a love affair with Southwest Airlines.

It all started with confusion on my part (I am not afraid to admit my part in the fiasco), because my Delta flight was scheduled to leave Wednesday at 1am which translates as Tuesday night an hour after midnight. It was clear when I made the reservation but somehow in the thin air of Denver it registered in my brain as something totally different.

Wednesday afternoon as my friends looked over my e-ticket and I started packing; I noticed that they cautiously told me that my flight had already left early that morning. I refused to go into panic mode and simply accepted that I needed to contact Delta to be charged that dreaded penalty mentioned on my e-ticket. You can only imagine my surprise when the ticket agent told me over the phone the cost to book a return flight would be 98% of the cost of my original round trip ticket! Once I picked myself up off the floor I calmly stated "But I want to pay the penalty" to which she replied "that is the penalty!" I have flier miles with Delta and understand that airlines generally attempt to work with frequent customers but no such luck.. The agent was nice but firm that I had to buy the equal of a round trip flight to make a one-way trip home.

Before I was willing to fall prey to this kind of extortion, I wanted to give the other airlines a try. True it was my mistake but somehow I felt I was being taken advantage of. There was a way out of this and my friends worked to help me find it. United was helpful and could arrange a stand-by flight for $107, so they did their part in helping a frequent customer. But, the Calvary really came rushing in when I we contacted Southwest. If I waited a day I could fly from Denver to Jacksonville with a confirmed seat for only $107.60 which included taxes, and I am not in their flyer club.

The agent from Southwest confirmed that there would be two stops but I would not have to change planes and would not be on the ground longer than 30 minutes for each stop(which included Austin, Tampa, and then Jacksonville). Happy days were here again and to my surprise their flight staff was friendly yet efficient when compared to the overwhelmed staff of Delta and everything they said about the time on the ground was true.

After this experience I now understand all the talk about Southwest and why it is giving the other airlines a run for their money. As for Delta, it has been firmly kicked to the curb. And, I don't know about you but I plan to buy a little Southwest stock!

The Great Exchange: Never Give up on Your Dream

2009-08-16T15:15:00.052-04:00

In numerous posts I have mentioned that it helps to visualize your dream, and then to be persistent in working to bring that dream into reality. Well, I recently ran into the living embodiment of that concept: a 10 year old by the name of Damon Weaver.

Damon decided to get into the news business as part of a school assignment during the 2008 election and got a chance to meet a number of big names including now Vice President Joe Biden. Following the election of Barack Obama he let it be known that his greatest dream was to get an interview with the President. Keep in mind that Damon lives in a very small town in Florida and does not come from a privileged background, but this kid dreams BIG!

Damon lobbied and lobbied and never gave up. Last week, he finally got his interview with the President. And so, whether you voted for Barack Obama or not, you have to be proud of Damon's interview presented below:

The Great Exchange: Pay it Forward

2009-08-05T07:56:00.043-04:00

Cyclist are a strange lot. You have all these "Type A" types that seem to ride by you on a mission to complete their "miles" who seem almost oblivious to your existence. So you learn to settle into that mode yourself. If you have been doing the sport for awhile you also learn to have all the tools you need to avoid the dreaded flat. I learned the hard way years ago during a training ride when I had a flat 10 miles out and ended up having to walk 8 miles back to my car (someone gave me a ride the last 2). Believe me it was not pleasant! You learn to carry a spare inner tube and get good at replacing them quickly.

So last weekend was no different when I could feel the compression of the front tire quickly drift down to nothing and knew I had a flat. Now here is the strange part. As I sat by the side of the road fixing my flat, it seemed like at least 10 of those Type A's came out of their "miles" trance, stopped and asked if I needed help. I've been in this sport long enough that changing a tire is a snap so I said "No" but thanked each one for offering. I will also admit to feeling pretty self-sufficient and not the helpless female in the 5 minutes it took me to change the tire and get back on the road.

But life has a strange way of testing you... about 8 miles from the end of my ride I got this sinking feeling as the front tire once again drifted down to nothing. I had another flat! And, faced with the prospect of an 8 mile walk, the very next Type A that came by and asked if I needed help I responded with "Yes". It felt like a moment of helplessness but I had to admit it in order to get help.

To my surprise the guy that stopped, Richard, was not a Type A at all but a really nice guy who checked my tire diligently until he found the sliver of glass that was causing the problem. Then he made what I consider a huge sacrifice and gave me his spare inner tube. I was overwhelmed by his gesture because it meant he faced the prospect of being stranded if the same thing happened to him. I went out of my way to thank him, but his response was "Don't worry about it. It is one of those pay-it-forward deals." Pay-it-forward, meaning I should help the next person I see with a flat by the side of the road.

As I settled back into my own "miles" mode it came to me that none of us is truly self-sufficient or alone and that there are angels just waiting for us to ask for help...

Getting versus Being There

2009-07-26T17:24:00.049-04:00

I firmly believe that visualization is one of our most powerful weapons in shaping our lives. Words may not convey all that we may be thinking, feeling or desiring; but symbols act as mental shorthand that immediately helps our mind associate an emotion with that symbol. And that is part of the reason I constantly ask you to see yourself in the place you want to be. But, the seeing does not stop there. You have to really give thought to how this thing will enrich your life. In other words: Why you need it and what you want it to do once you have it. This is a very important point because too often we pull up the desire of the moment but do not give a lot of thought as to what we hope to really accomplish with it; then wonder why we have ended up on what looks like a dead-end street.

So write down the things you want in your life and try to be as specific as possible in terms of what you want to do with this thing and how it will improve you life and possibly the lives of others. And then begin to visualize. Start almost like it is a movie and allow yourself to focus on every aspect of what is occurring. Enjoy the colors involved, the sights, the sounds, the feel of the entire situation. And then once you have mastered this portion, begin to move beyond the movie aspect to make it more real. So real in fact, eventually you begin to see yourself inside the movie. The more real you make your imaginary the more you will experience having the quality of this thing in your life.

This is an approach you should practice at least once per day to actually see yourself inside your own personal movie. And what will eventually surprise you is how often your own mind will give you instructions to make your movie real. The things you imagined will actually begin to appear in real-life. You will find yourself moving from a position of getting there to being there…

If not NOW... then When?

2009-07-05T16:46:00.124-04:00

While doing my seminars I have been struck by people who attend and are encouraged and motivated to take their lives to the next level. But, my gaze is leveled now at those people who attend and are motivated but change nothing.

I am reminded of a quote from Bruce Lee "Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough we must do. We continually say "I know that" but our conviction seems to stop there. True conviction is starting out on a journey, sometimes not knowing where that trail will lead, and putting one foot in front of the other despite being battered and saying you will keep moving until you reach a point that is satisfactory in terms of where you want to be.

That analogy brings to mind another Bruce Lee quote that reaffirms the need to just start moving and make adjustments along the way: "A goal is not always meant to be reached; it often serves as simply something to aim at." This quote is significant in that once you start, that movement begins to bring things into focus and your vision becomes more refined.

So, for those who have been motivated but have yet to start I say:

"If not NOW then when?"

The Great Exchange: Who are You?

2009-06-17T17:13:00.078-04:00

There is the well known story of a woman who finds a snake dying by the side of the road and takes him home. She warms the snake by the fire and provides a plate of milk to slowly nurse him back to health. And then one day as she was gently holding the snake he bites her. The dying woman then asks the snake why he bit her after she saved him. The snake responds "snakes bite people." I used this story because one of our most powerful human processes is the mental matching of our identity with our behavior. The snake was basically saying this is who I am, therefore this is what I am suppose to do.

How we define ourselves , or for that matter how we allow others to define us, becomes all important because once we have accepted an identity there are behaviors consistent with that identity that will follow. And, to take it in another direction, we may need to change our identity to fit a new set of circumstances and situations. In other words the identity we have today worked to get us to this point but it may not be the identity we need to get us over the next hill tomorrow. I say that because for most of my life I told myself I was not athletic because I was not good at any sports in school. And then one day, well into my adult life, I decided to try something athletic just for exercise. I discovered endurance cycling and an athlete was born. What shocked me was that for years I saw my body as something weak and useless, it was my brain that counted and I accepted that identity. Once I became good at cycling I realized that for all those years I had been at war with my body and it did not have to be.

And so, the great exchange is to decide what identity no longer works for your current situation and then decide who you wish to be. Really give some thought to the attributes of this new you, listing them one by one, and then begin to put them on like a new skin. Start today to answer the question "Who are you?"

The Great Exchange: Make New Memories

2009-06-03T00:04:00.260-04:00

I recently lost something that was almost like a death in the family. For as long as I have known Alex we have gone on our little photo taking adventures and used our bikes to get around and cover a lot of territory. My little cruiser is so "me" in that it is a little old school with a few dents which gave it character. I added a very strange bell and a beat-up basket for my camera which made it a little quirky and that was what I liked about it.

When I need to make a trip that is less than five miles I generally take the cruiser. I ride the bike to places like the bank, the supermarket, or the library (I have even been known to wait my turn in line for the ATM on the cruiser). So you can imagine my surprise last week as I walked out of the library with my usual ton of books to discover that the cruiser was missing… gone… STOLEN!

Alex mourned my loss as well because the cruiser was so much a part of our picture taking adventures and carried our cameras. After a few days I came to accept that the cruiser being stolen was another one of those life lessons about moving on even when you don’t want to. So, last weekend we made the rounds of second hand bike shops (we wanted to give a used one a good home).

We spent the entire day looking for something that came close to the character of the cruiser with no luck. And then near dusk at our third Flea Market, as the vendors were packing up to go home, Alex saw a man put a cover over a red retro beach cruiser. I’ll admit that I was not sold on the idea of a retro bike and was worn down by the process. But, after a little haggling I was ready to take the little beauty home.

As I added my own little touches to the “new” cruiser (a new basket, removed the chain guard, ordered fenders) I realized that I was about to begin a whole new series of adventures. I accepted that it was OK to embrace the change in my mental image of myself and welcome the chance to make new memories.

And so…I'm glad you had a chance to meet the new “me” (without the ordered fenders that have not yet arrived). Funny, but I see loads of new memories in my future and a big lock!

The Great Exchange: Give the Gift of Good Cheer

2009-05-19T09:29:00.479-04:00

I recently ran into an old friend and wondered why we had not gotten together in awhile. Every encounter involves an exchange of energy and as we stood there talking I realized why there had been a long interval since our last meeting. She began a long list of things that were wrong, explained why things never went right for her, and told me everything she hated about her life and her family.

As I stood there watching her mouth move I could literally feel the energy flowing out of me and my mood went from uplifted to overcast. I wondered if she realized she had that effect and then had to admit years ago I used to do the same thing and never had a clue of its effect on the people around me.

But one day a friend was frank and told me she had grown tired of my endless stream of things that were wrong and it marked a turning point for me. My troubles did not end instantly but I made a concerted effort to give off cheer to the people I met. What surprised me was that I began to get more invites because people were glad to be around me. They were also more willing to help with advice when it was no longer a never ending list of problems. And, I also learned that my endless complaining was a back door way of begging people to pay attention to me. Once I began to give the gift of good cheer I no longer had to beg for attention, it flowed from all directions.

Back to my friend standing there draining the life out of me… I stopped her in mid sentence and mentioned my next appointment. As I hurried away I turned to her and said “Give the gift of good cheer, you will be surprised how it comes back to you…”

The Great Exchange: Energy Follows Thought

2009-05-04T22:36:00.540-04:00

I have stated before that our unconscious mind does not separate imagined from real but simply takes direction and then proceeds to create that reality. Once given directions, our thoughts set up a model or pattern for what is to be created. If we couple strong emotion with this model it proceeds to energize our thoughts and helps to keep you focused on how to create the things you want to bring into your life.

I previously mentioned the situation of the person running while looking backwards and that analogy points out that we get what we focus on because energy flows from our thoughts.

Fear based thoughts create fear based energy and it will not be long before that running person hits something that validates the very thing he was afraid of. It is therefore doubly important that we keep ourselves focused on positive outcomes because they draw to us the things we want.

I am certain there are those of you who are thinking “That is easier said than done. I have negative thoughts all the time.” Or, “I try to tell myself not to think negatively but it just happens.” Staying positive is difficult under those circumstances because you are constantly telling yourself NOT to think something. The example I always use to illustrate this point is this: Tell me what happens if I say “Don’t think about a banana!” You instantly thought about a banana didn’t you? That is because you shifted your focus over to the thing you are trying NOT to do.

In that same sense once you recognize a negative thought, challenge it with a positive one. For example if you find yourself thinking “I can’t do that!” Challenge it with “I do that all the time with very little effort.” Mentally see yourself doing the thing with ease. Enjoy the sensation of how good it feels to be able to do this thing. Really zero in on the mental image of the entire process to get a clear picture of it and then every time that negative thought comes up, throw that image back at it!

Your challenge might not be true right now but it gives your mind the instruction to begin to create it. It gives your imagination permission to go beyond the possible and bring up untold choices and alternatives…

Five Years of Laughing

2009-05-01T00:59:00.197-04:00

Time is a strange thing. It moves whether you want it to or not and also has a tendency to round things out so unless you really stop and pay attention it just rolls on. I mention that because the month of April is the five year anniversary of me and Alex being together. I refer to the month because neither of us can remember the exact date only that it happened in April when we met after talking online in a photography group where Alex was always going on about something.

He was an hour away in Gainesville and I was fresh from Colorado and new to Jacksonville. There was a festival of tall ships scheduled to be in Jacksonville and I thought it would be a great event to take pictures. I remember thinking him odd with all his little rituals once we met, but then began to see that there was a logic behind them and it was as if a light came on and we have been together ever since.

He surprised me this last week in April and scheduled a romantic getaway which is wild for Alex because he is practical almost to a fault. As I sat across from him in a restaurant on our last day I mentally paused to ask myself what was the glue that held us together?

I smile to myself because in a way he is like a father and no matter how much I know, he always seems to know more. He is the classic software engineer who knows everything which I find sometimes annoying and yet always reassuring. I’m smiling as I think back four years ago when we were working on a computer project and I asked if he had enough storage capacity and he replied casually that he had almost a terabyte of excess space. I remember looking at him in awe and thinking “Now THAT is power!”

Or is it the joy of having my own personal Terminator? He is always up for some new project or adventure. He will initiate nothing but if I pick the project, I had better be prepared to stand back and let him over organize it to the highest degree. In fact, organize it to the point I have to tell him to stop.

All of that goes into the making of us. But more than anything he has the capacity to make me laugh. Not just joyous laughter but the quick witted, roll on the floor, laugh until it hurts type of laughter. We just seem to understand each other. And there in the restaurant it comes to me that it has been five years of laughing…

The Great Exchange: Your Past is NOT Your Future

2009-04-28T02:47:00.463-04:00

Frequently I hear people use the phrase “If only I had done this or that.” It seems a simple enough phrase on the surface but if looked at closely it has a much deeper meaning. By its very nature it is understood that things have not gone the way we hoped or planned them, but the implied and unspoken message is the desire to go back in time and change things to affect our future.

It assumes that the way things are now is the way they will remain and the only way to change the outcome is to go back to the beginning and alter the series of events which set it all in motion.

The past is the past

Well…alternate universes and time machines aside, there is no way to go back in time no matter how great the desire. But the good side of the equation is the fact that man is one of the few animals that can change his destiny. That said, we need to continually remind ourselves that our past is not our future. The past is the past; and no matter how much we refuse to realize it, it does not predict our future.

We cannot go forward looking back

Too often we attempt to move forward but rather than being focused on what we hope for the future we are set on trying to avoid what we experienced in the past. Imagine the image of a person running and yet looking backwards. We all know disaster is a matter of time based on this scene because we understand you cannot see what is ahead and react to the upcoming events.

And yet we spend the vast majority of our lives doing just what we have said is surely disaster, never realizing that by being focused on the things we wish to avoid we draw to us the very thing we hope to avoid. I am not saying don’t be careful or take into account things that have gone wrong in the past but view them as simply added to our body of knowledge. The things that have gone wrong are events in a series of events rather than the event.

Imagine a new future

Try waking up tomorrow and exchange your old view. Imagine a new future for yourself and no matter the obstacles you encounter hold that vision throughout the day. Then surprise yourself and get up the next day with the same attitude.

Resolve that you are going to run as fast as you can in the direction of the things you want doing a little something everyday that moves you closer and closer to where you want to be. And, anytime you are wondering which way to go, stop and ask yourself “Am I running away from or toward something?” That mental check always helps to straighten the compass…

The Great Exchange: Prosperity and How our Mind Works

2009-04-20T22:21:00.813-04:00

I was doing a workshop a few days ago and was amazed that a good number of people were caught in a time warp and simply looking to return to life as it used to be. Things have changed for a reason and that requires we make the necessary adjustments.

We have to Understand the Process

What a number of people have failed to discover is that yes having money is a comforting thing but understanding the process that allowed us to acquire money is ten times more valuable. Understanding that process requires that we expand our thinking and allow ourselves to grow and yes at times that may require struggle while we get down the basics but once mastered we can go from crawling, to walking, to running.

Thoughts are Things

The point that some people have difficulty mastering is that your thoughts are things. They are as rock solid as a stone just in a different form. I said this to one of the attendees and she talked right over that point. My favorite expression is: Everything that you have created in your life was first created in your mind. And that statement is more than true. Everything around you was created in the imagination of someone who struggled to bring that thought into the real so you could touch it, use it, or even drive it. Hence The Great Exchange.

We Each Have a Powerful Computer

We walk around with one of the world’s most powerful computers resting on our shoulders, that is simply waiting for us to establish the image of what it is we want. And, once that blue print is established a degree of emotion or drive is tied to that image that sets that computer in motion to draw into the real the things we want. The stronger the emotion the faster you will begin to draw to you the things you need. But, when I said this to that woman she looked perplexed. In her mind she had already set limits on what was possible and that was what she had before, which had brought her to this point in the first place. She was not willing to imagine that there might be something better than what she had before.

So, we have to establish our intent (simply following our neighbor is not sufficient) and then begin to direct our focus on how we will use what we want, taste what we want, help others with what we want, walk around and look up and down what we want until inch by inch we drag it into the real…

The Great Exchange: A Combination of “No Sense” and Being Bold

2009-04-15T00:48:00.542-04:00

Just to set the record straight, I have insecurities and things that I must overcome just like the rest of the world. Yes, there are times when I am going full speed ahead but there are also those times when I find myself wondering why I am hesitating or have cleaned out a thousand closets rather than tackle some problem that has been eating away at me.

Easter weekend in St Augustine

I have laid this ground-work because over the Easter weekend Alex and I spent a good amount of time in St Augustine, Florida. I really like St Augustine but as the summer approaches the place becomes overwhelmed with tourists driving huge cars that are in no way suited for the narrow streets, with little patience as they endlessly search for that nonexistent parking space.

As always, click each photo for a better view

Carriage drivers with attitude

Personally we park away from downtown and ride our bikes into the area as the only way to really get around and were in the process of doing that when we stopped near “The Fort”. I wanted a picture of all the horse drawn carriages lined up along the major street leading into the city and was standing there mentally sorting out how I wanted to frame the shot.

You can imagine my surprise as I watched one of the carriage drivers with a smooth air of confidence step out into the busy street, hold up his hand and commanded the cars on either side to simply stop and allow him to casually walk across four lanes of traffic.

I was so shocked by his easy confidence that when he reached my side I jokingly teased him by asking “And what do you plan to do next Joe Cool after that great performance?” He turned to me and said “Those cars will run you over if you don’t take control of the situation; it's a combination of “no sense” and being bold.” I will interprete: No sense is Southern for being a little crazy or just not getting so much into your head and thinking a thing to death.

Heroes and the expectation of success

I don’t think he had any idea the effect that moment had on me. Sort of out of the blue it came to me that that is what leaps of faith are all about. You can plan only to a point and then you simply have to DO IT! Not just make the effort but strike out with a combination of "no sense" and being bold. And, the exchange of energy you impart is the expectation of success!

And in the few days since the trip, when I feel myself getting ready to clear out a closet rather than face a problem I think of Joe Cool and his horse General Lee and find myself forging ahead with a combination of “no sense” and boldness. It has worked wonders because I am making bold moves all over the place.

So meet my heroes: Joe Cool and General Lee

The Great Exchange: Are you ready to Pass the Recession Test

2009-04-05T19:17:00.444-04:00

Today begins a series I call "The Great Exchange". I use that term because in every encounter there is an exchange of energy be it emotional energy, mental energy, or even monetary energy but something passes from one to the other. What I hope to focus on in this series is how to harness that energy to make certain you have developed a pattern of energy transmission to ultimately keep energy flowing toward you and not away from you.

I only ask that if any part of this series has particular meaning for you that you share it with at least one person to begin the flow that will come back to you.

Are you ready to pass the recession test
A wonderful teacher of mine often used a phrase that has stayed with me over many long years: “Anything you say you believe... the world will test you!”

We all want certain things and in a good number of cases actually deserve to have them but deserving and having are worlds apart. Worlds apart because: Anything you say you want or believe... the world will test you. By test I mean it will determine your level of desire to accomplish whatever it is you say you believe for your life.

Spiritual World versus Real World

The point is, that there is a spiritual world (some call it the Universe or even ether) and a real world and our faith, focus, and actions are what move a thought from one to the other. Keep in mind that the spiritual world has the power to override the real world, but the moving itself is not an automatic task; we have to affirm and reaffirm what it is we want to occur. The Bible speaks of it as: "Whosoever shall believe that those things that he says..."

Sort of like getting on an elevator, do you walk through the open door and simply stand there waiting to be taken to a particular floor? No. You have to press the button and tell the elevator where you want to go. Because we don’t see all the mechanizations that are going on behind the scenes we tend to think of it as automatic, but getting that elevator moving is an abstract example of changing thought energy into action. For example, when we press that button it sets off an electric current that transforms our desire into electronic impulses that set off a series of cables or hydraulics to lift or lower the car. We don’t see all this happening and so we never think of it in terms of the inertia (the tendency of a body at rest to remain at rest) or overcoming resistance to the point of being able to move that elevator.

Overcoming Resistance

In that same spirit, success in our lives is based on our ability to create the transfer of our thoughts into energy that pulls them from the spiritual (the electrical pulses if you will) into the real world (the actual movement of the elevator). Where the challenge will come is in the form of that natural resistance to test how committed we are to a particular belief that will create the necessary movement and hence “Anything you say you believe... the world will test you.” So if things are not going your way right now, view it as a time of testing of what you really believe and resolve to keep believing until you have pulled your thoughts into the real.

Don’t believe me, listen someone who was hardly a great thinker but a man of steadfast belief in his ability to make that transfer:

“Our brains become magnetized with the dominating thought which we hold in our minds,
and by means which no man is familiar these magnets attract to us the forces, the people,
and the circumstances of life which harmonize with the nature of our dominating thoughts.”

Andrew Carnegie

Write the Vision to Make it Plain

2009-03-30T16:39:00.213-04:00

I have to admit as in any loving relationship there are times when I could lovingly strangle Alex. I say that because he is the most straight-ahead; keep it simple, right to the point person I know. I will dance around the edges, sugar coat, or just talk past the point sometimes, but his thinking is pure and clarifying. So pure and so clear that sometimes you just don't want to hear it...

Is this getting you where you want to be?

I bring up the strangling because recently I was working on a business project and priding myself on all the work I had done and he asked the clarifying question “But is this getting you to where you want to be?” First came the strangling desire and then the stepping back. However, once I stopped and really asked myself the question he had asked; I had to admit that yes I had been working but was it work that advanced my stated goal?

Grudgingly I sat myself down and planned out where I wanted to go and the things I needed to do to work backwards to get there. I have to admit the mere act of writing it down caused me to get beyond the “ideas floating in the air” stage and helped me come up with ideas I had not considered and bench marks I could use to gauge just how close I was getting to my stated goal. I also had to admit that a lot of the work I had done was stuff I liked doing but was way ahead of target in terms of my desired goal.

Write the vision to make it plain

Looking back it came to me just how often we give ourselves permission to count things that do not advance the goals we have stated. Or, how we resist having to write it down because then we have to get beyond the general and down to the specific which holds us accountable to ourselves.

Forget the rest of the world, you are the only one that counts because you are the rudder that stirs the ship and others are simply for the most part disinterested interested observers in the drama. By all means listen to the opinions of others but the ultimate decision is yours and yours alone because you are the one carrying the weight.

Directed focus translated into directed action

And so I return to one of the primary points of directed focus: Every time you make a decision, immediately follow it up with action. Not just meaningless action, but take a moment and really think about where you want to go in relation to that decision and write down steps you can take to get you there. They can be big steps or small steps but required steps that provide direction. Then take action to jump start your goals.

This blue print will help to keep you physically and mentally on point because there is always the tendency to stray off target. Writing it down provides something firm to refer back to and demands an adequate explanation and thinking through why you need to change it.

That said, I guess Alex escaped again and will live another day…

First Kiss...First Computer

2009-03-24T15:20:00.075-04:00

I read a wonderful post by another blogger the other day that really made me smile. The blog is “I can do it!” What made me smile was his discussion of the early days of the PC's and the internet and how it related to his life. Reading it took me down memory lane and made me think about how my own life has revolved around my computer. I take it from the female perspective in that some women view life from a list of loves and kisses and mine seems to have revolved around a love of computers.

IBM Clone
My first computer was an IBM clone sold through Radio Shack that I thought was amazing! I could install names and information in a program and it would keep track and allow me to mass mail them information. Talk about first kiss. Every time I used it I almost felt lightheaded with all the things I was able to do. I kept that computer forever because it was my first love.

Computer Tower and Internet

And then came this thing called the internet and I needed to upgrade. I had a tower configured for me with what at the time seemed like an unbelievable amount of memory – 2 gigabytes. The new love came with a modem (remember listening to the squeal as you logged on through the phone?) that allowed me to reach out to others in ways I had never imagined. Life was good except when I got kicked off right in the middle of something and had to reboot. Aaaaah!! Love hurts...

Me, a Geek...!

And, I learned something about myself… I liked geeks and geeks liked me. I guess you could say I was a baby geek because I didn’t know enough to be full fledged. The computer for me was (and still is) a tool. I didn’t need to know the dark mysteries behind the code (I leave that to software engineer Alex), just how to do the things I want to do. So...baby geek. This love affair lasted a long time. It was passionate and comfortable.

The lover laptop

But then a new character started to vie for my attention. It was the laptop. It promised me I could work on the fly, something my old love could not do. I’ll admit it; I was lured away because the new love could go with me anywhere and by now size mattered, and this guy offered 40 gigabytes. There was no contest and my old love seemed slow and limited.

I guess once you allow yourself to be seduced, you will be seduced again. My head was turned by the Sony Vaio notebook. It did everything and talk about size! I was seduced and seduced again when the first one was struck by lightening after I moved to Florida and had to upgrade. This love affair continues today only now there is 250 gig of memory to work with. But every now and then I will admit I do find my eye wandering. Maybe there is something better out there...

And so Authelycs (I can do it!) see what made me smile…?

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself...

2009-03-19T12:02:00.223-04:00

I have been reading with a lot of excitement a number of research studies on brain mapping. Now before your eyes glaze over, just follow me for a moment. In the past the accepted thinking has been that we develop all the brain cells we will have throughout our lives at an early age. And, as we age those brain cells begin to gradually die which accounts for our gradual loss of ability.

Current research now indicates that is not exactly the case. If we attempt things that mentally challenge us (and cross word puzzles don’t count) then the brain has the ability to grow new brain cells which allow us to remain mentally active and alive.

This is exciting news in that it lets us know that we can be involved and alert for years to come. But, it also means we have to attempt things that challenge us. Meaning, we have to get beyond the fear of failure and the natural tendency to keep doing things in the usual way. Put another way, even failed attempts are victories because you learn something along the way even if the original goal was not fulfilled.

What also encourages me about these reports is that they support Carol Dweck and her book “Mindset”. Her research over thirty years reveals that there are two types of people: A Fixed group who believe they are talented but that there is a limit to their ability to learn beyond their perceived abilities; and a Growth group who believe they have talent but constantly look for challenges to grow and expand their talent base by either looking for new challenges or responding in a proactive way to new challenges. People who are afraid to make a mistake have the impression that every failed attempt jeopardizes their inner image of competence and therefore don’t tackle things they find difficult and tend to operate just below their abilities.

Years ago I got into the habit of every now and then taking a different road on my way to a familiar place, just to see where the road would go. Sometimes I got lost but discovered something I did not know existed. Other times I found a different route I was not aware of (Alex always teases me that I am a secret taxi driver). But, on a number of occasions it has served me well. I remember being stuck in a traffic jam on I-25 in Denver. One of those "move a few inches every ten minutes" situations and it came to me that there was a service road at the next off ramp. I got off and watched those hundreds of people just sitting there, sticking to the only route they knew, fade into the distance. It saved so much time I was able to arrive home and watch the traffic jam on the news.

So ask yourself… when was the last time you tried something you thought was really challenging? For some of you who found this blog based on one particular post and now wait patiently for the latest update, when was the last time you went back and read some of the older posts just to see how this whole thing got started? When was the last time you decided to go in a different direction just to see how it would turn out?

Give it a try… you might gain some new brain cells!

A Small Avalanche...

2009-03-17T14:19:00.132-04:00

A few months ago I featured a young woman by the name of Yolanda. I mentioned her directed focus and how at a young age she was effectively using the technique to accomplish great things in her life. When I met Yolanda she was in the process of putting together her little magazine and scraping together money to pay for photo shoots.

I remember her watching all the details as I set up to take pictures for my blog. She seemed very determined when she said her dream was to save and buy a good digital camera so she could develop her own photos for the magazine and her books.

As I think about that scene, I wonder if we really pay attention to the effect of little things. We have become so accustomed to grand gestures, splashy announcements, and trumpet blasts that point us in the next direction that we give little thought to how little changes, if we run with them, can make major changes in our lives.

Returning to the scene with Yolanda, I remember thinking that I had an older digital camera I bought a couple of years ago that was just sitting on the shelf. I offered it to her and she seemed overwhelmed with delight that she would have a camera. For me it was a small thing in that it was an entry level camera that in my mind would simply get her started.

I recently returned to visit Yolanda and now understand why she watched so closely as I set up to take those original pictures. She had done a little reading on photography and there before me were hundreds of pictures and two tripods she now uses to take different shots.

She showed me picture after picture of different locations she has added to her photo library. She had book covers, concept shots, and photos of herself using all kinds of photographic techniques.

Another blogger friend had a recent column titled "Start Where You Are" and that is "it" completely. Little Yolanda didn't look at the fact she had an entry level camera but the fact she had a camera. For her the focus was all the things she could do with that camera and how she would use it to enriched her life. She started there and has built a little empire upon that concept. One small thing has grown and transformed itself into something big and wonderful.

I asked what caused her to try some of the techniques and she told me she just started trying things and that one thing led to another and another and she just kept going with it. I know I learned from this lesson that small things, sort of like avalanches, begin with one thing that keeps rolling until it becomes a massive flow. She proudly posed with the camera and the guitar she is learning to play. Oh yes, did I mention that she is negotiating with a publisher regarding one of her books?

What I Have Learned While Blogging

2009-03-10T16:58:00.317-04:00

It has been over six months since I began blogging. I thought now would be a good time to stop and reflect on my assumptions and the things I have learned since I began this journey.

It is just like Journaling

Well… not exactly. When you journal you are writing for yourself and just trying to get your musings down on paper or your computer. With blogging you find yourself having to pay attention to things like… spelling. Thank God for the spell checker and when all else fails Google's “Did you mean…”

Google makes it Easy

Well… not exactly (do you see a pattern forming here?) Yes, it is easy to select your layout and type in the words but what happens when something you want to do does not work and the instructions telling you how to correct it are written in English but don’t seem to mean anything. To be fair, Google does have tutorials and several viewings later the mud does become clearer. One night it became a test of wills where I resolved to die at the computer until I figured out how to make one of my video clips work. I’m happy to report that I won the battle but a couple of times I was more than ready to throw the laptop out the window!

Feeding the Beast

You now have everything set up and you have found the Rosetta Stone that explains how things work. The first few posts go like clock work and you are breezing along. And then it happens, you run out of things to say but the beast must be fed. At this point you realize you have to get organized and plan out your posts. I will admit that my task was a little easier than most because I started out saying my blog would have a streams of consciousness focus, meaning: “any thought that came to my head” and I have an over active head chunk full of random thoughts. Taking my own photos helped as well. A hint to the wise, be sure to check with a spouse or family member before you post personal details (I learned that from another blog). Oh yes, and resize your photos so you don't use up a lot of your space. You'll thank me later...

You Realize the World is Pretty Small

I started with the assumption that only Americans would read my posts and then realized people all over the world were viewing what I had written. Over 68 countries have viewed this blog and the same for the gallery (http://coactivedreamsgallery.blogspot.com/). Just that thought alone is truly humbling. What really amazes me is the fact that the blog also is popular in some non-English speaking countries in addition to where I assumed would be the target audience. But, to each and every one of you I say welcome!

Some Translators are Better than Others

Once people started leaving me messages in other languages I quickly began looking for a translator and found several online. A few left a lot to be desired and I finally settled on Google Translate. It gets the job done so I know what you are saying but also gives new meaning to the phraase “lost in translation”. I regularly find myself reading between the lines and getting better at it. So, if you leave a message give me a hint as to where you are or your language so I can return the favor and say “Hi”

You Meet the Nicest People

Ok, I will come clean and admit that at first I did fear that people would judge me or write mean things. However, what I have found is that people the world over have been warm and welcoming. Sort of like watching “I Love Lucy” they enjoy my adventures and like to drop me a note to say so. And, the best part of it all is that I have met a number of people I would go so far as to call friends despite the fact I have never met them.

Keep at It!

I’m still a small blog and in a way I like that fact because it gives me a chance to say hello to everyone who decides to follow my ramblings. I'm still learning and from time to time will do these updates or maybe you have tips you want to share. Either way, if you are just starting out… keep at it! You are in for the ride of your life.

Doom and Gloom...

2009-03-05T20:49:00.048-05:00

Sometimes in order to come up you have to go all the way down. Following that line of reasoning the other night I watched this episode of the Corbert Report which touched on, in a playful way, the daily dose of gloom and doom we seem to be getting. It provided a needed lift from all the bad news and definitely made me smile. Notice he says "We are not looking for solutions but just how horrible it could be". It speaks to all the ways we look for doom and gloom and then wonder why we are tense and anxious.

To provide full disclosure, this is a clip from Comedy Central and as such there are a couple of instances that can be a little salty but I think it makes the point well enough that it is worth showing. So now, ladies and gentlemen, let us enter the Steven Corbert "Doom Bunker"

Hope is a Dangerous Thing...

2009-03-05T15:03:00.149-05:00

I was struck by that line from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption.” The main character states he has not lost hope that one day he will be released from the prison. Then, another prisoner who has been there for ages replies: “Hope is a dangerous thing!” His reply is another way of saying: All who enter here abandon hope…

But how do you maintain hope...?

The constant drumbeat of bad news from all sources makes it difficult for anyone to be hopeful of late and I can understand why. We are creatures of habit and once on a particular course are not prone to changing it. We are not certain where things are going right now and with that comes a degree of anxiety that tends to make us less optimistic.

However I would counter that the very dire nature of the current situation is cause for being hopeful. We are now forced to consider things we never would have considered before and place our “hope” around making them work. Things not previously on our radar have now come into view.

Two roads in the woods…

I ask you to see it as traveling down a road. It is not a good or bad road but simply a path you have decided to follow. You may or may not have thought about making a change but the path is laid out and it is simpler to just keep traveling. Suddenly, a huge tree falls in your path and it is no longer possible to continue on the current course.

You are now forced to travel to the left or to the right, and going backwards is not an option because we have traveled too far. We must now select a new direction. This new road is unfamiliar but who knows you might encounter sights and sounds that will give new meaning to your life. Sometimes it is difficult to travel this new path. No one enjoys being lost, but remember how good you felt when you finally found your way? If need be, take a moment and shed a few tears for the path that was lost because after all it was familiar. But recognize the fact you need to eat, sleep, and drink and none of that is available at this crossroad.

What is the greater danger ?

Much like that prisoner who replied to the hero in the movie, some of us see traveling on a new path as difficult and dangerous because it means we have to face our fears. Meaning, no matter how bad the current situation, it is better to abandon hope and sit there beside the road. The reason I always liked that movie is that the hero is not without fear, in fact he is full of it, but he holds fast to the desire (or hope if you will) to once again roam free. He knows there will be a terrible price to pay if he is caught trying to escape but he also realizes there is a greater peril if he gives up.

I know there were days when he did not think he could go on but he kept going in spite of it. He found a way and we must do the same. Accept that there are struggles ahead but also prepare to rejoice when the road is once again clear…

What's Left of Me...

2009-03-04T16:26:00.012-05:00

Tuesday was my birthday and I took a moment to just reflect on the fact that I am once again another year older.

I look in the mirror and it is still me, a little less robust around the gills but still me, and I wonder where the years went.

A moment of reflection and I am ready to keep going...

Count It All Joy My Brothers…

2009-02-24T10:58:00.049-05:00

I love the verse from James 1:2-4. I will paraphrase and recite it this way: “Count it all joy my brothers when you encounter tests and trials, knowing that the trying of your faith builds patience. Therefore let patience have her perfect work so that you will be complete and entire wanting nothing.”

I love that verse because it speaks to patience in the face of difficulty. But my take on it is not that patience means to sit and wait out whatever is your current difficulty. The patience it talks about is more about what you do while you wait.

Man is a creature designed to overcome and as such we need to be about the business of overcoming. We are to count it joy because it is one more chance for us to use that muscle we call our minds to overcome an obstacle. The kind of overcoming that looks out into the distance and sees where we want to be even if that place does not currently exist. The kind of overcoming that forces us to use our faith to get us over the next hill. The kind of overcoming that says “GET UP and just start walking… you may not know where you are going but just start!”

I say that because “faith is the bird that flies through the darkness toward the sun, before he sees the dawn.”

And so I will close as I began: Count it all joy my brothers when you encounter tests and trials, knowing that the trying of your faith builds patience…

Four Small Steps That Will Improve Your Life

2009-02-17T14:40:00.049-05:00

Part of the feedback I received during the previous series was that many wanted specific things they could do to reorient their lives. And so, I thought it might prove helpful to provide a list of things I have found helpful in taking those steps that lead to greater fulfillment.

1. Show and Tell

The expression “You know?” is everywhere in our culture both as a filler and also a means of getting confirmation that what we just said was understood. But often the mental image that comes up for the listener may not be the thought you were trying to convey. Ever wonder why Jesus often spoke in parables? Because it directs the mental image, is easy to understand, and drives home the verbal message. So when you attempt to explain something try to follow it up with a short story that allows the person listening to get a mental image of the situation you are trying to convey. For example: "When you said that I thought about how it feels like to ..." or, "When you said that I felt like..." Its a little work to master at first but the trick is be brief.

2. The One Touch Rule

If you are a procrastinator, like me, you constantly find yourself moving something from one place to another with the intent of getting it to its ultimate destination at a later time. To combat this I established what I call the One Touch Rule. Each time you touch something, start with the idea that you only want to touch it one time and directly take it to where it needs to be. Once I started doing this I was amazed how much time it freed up by not having to look for something all over the house.

3. Make your own mentor

We all wish we had our own personal mentor to show us the ropes for different things and feel frustrated if we don’t have anyone. I firmly believe in vicarious experience and constantly use biographies of all kinds as a one removed mentor. Start by thinking of a subject and then research information on someone associated with it. Definitely feel free to roam beyond the usual suspects. You do not have to read the entire book but skim through to the parts that are of interest to you. You will be surprised how much information you pick up this way.

4. Learning to let go

Clutter drowns our creativity and most of the time we hold on to something not because it is useful but for the emotional attachment we attribute to that item. That hockey stick collecting dust in the corner can’t be used in Florida but each time you view it you remember the winning goal you scored ten years ago in Denver. Savor that memory but also realize it is time to let some of the things go. Try making a scrap book or web album of pictures of the items as one method of reliving the memory without keeping all the stuff. A garage sale also helps to earn extra cash and sends the items off to good homes.

How to Prosper in Tough Times Part 12 of 12

2009-02-11T16:02:00.064-05:00

Give and it shall be given to you...

As I draw this series to a close, I feel like a traveler who has set out on a journey that has included a number of stops. Each stop has allowed me to meet a mix of interesting and wonderful people throughout the world (and you know who you are), overflowing with life and full of ideas. To each of you I say thank you for taking a moment to enter my world, and more importantly for allowing me to enter yours.

Is your thinking your ally or your enemy?

Our unconscious mind is a powerful tool that does not question the things we tell it but simply works to find ways to create the reality we have outlined for it. I wonder if we realize the number of negative messages we send this tool. On the other hand, I also understand human nature and realize we all have dark moments of the soul where we question ourselves. Watching my four year old niece attempting to learn to ride her first bike was a perfect example of maintaining a vision, even after several falls, until she was flying like a big kid down the street. Each fall was a refining of the internal message being sent until her mind found a way to put them all together and suddenly she was riding. Very few people succeed on their first attempt at anything. So, when you talk to yourself… what do you say?

The Psychology of Success

Throughout the series I have attempted to emphasis that each of us is capable of great things if we use this enormous capacity we possess. Carol Dweck, in her 2006 book, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” indicates our attitude toward talent can profoundly affect all aspects of our lives from parenting, romantic relationships, as well as success at work.

“People who believe in the power of talent tend not to fulfill their potential because they’re so concerned with looking smart and not making mistakes. But people who believe that talent can be developed are the ones who really push, stretch, confront their own mistakes and learn from them.”

Her research over thirty years reveals that there are two types of people: A Fixed group who believe they are talented but that there is a limit to their ability to learn beyond their perceived abilities; and a Growth group who believe they have talent but constantly look for challenges to grow and expand their talent base by either looking for new challenges or responding in a proactive way to new challenges. People who are afraid to make a mistake have the impression that every failed attempt jeopardizes their inner image of competence and therefore don’t tackle things they find difficult and tend to operate just below their abilities.

Become like water

This Fixed group never realizes that focusing on the desired goal, starting small and then taking ever larger steps with adjustments, allows you to become like my little niece with each attempt becoming a refining of the message being sent until the mind finds a way to put them all together and suddenly you are where you want to be. It is that staying in the moment that moves you forward!

Or, to paraphrase Bruce Lee: Consider water. You can drink it or allow it to flow through your fingers without harm; it has no shape of its own, and in its pure form is totally transparent. And yet, its relentless nature allows it to hollow out mountains…

Be water my friends!

How to Prosper in Tough Times Part 11 of 12

2009-02-04T17:14:00.042-05:00

Speaking to your mountains

When I lived in Denver, Colorado I frequently went to the mountains just to relax and enjoy the view. Looking at those mountains, I was always struck by the bravery of the early settlers because they crossed those peaks in nothing but beat up old wagons and will. And, whenever I got down I imagined those men and women getting up one morning and speaking to their mountain “Today you will be crossed!” True, it was tough but I’m certain they had the vision of free land on the other side of those mountains and the new life they hoped to build for themselves as a great motivator.

In the previous sections I asked you to write out a list of desires and then narrow that down to a few specific things you felt would enrich your life. Then, I asked you to focus all your efforts on one item at a time, to think about it day and night, to always have it on your mind. And finally, to give yourself motivation by at least once a day taking a moment to imagine how it would feel for you to have this thing. I wanted you to really see the thing in your possession and soak in the feeling of how it changed your life. I outlined all that because like those settlers, that imagining is directing your focus and speaking to your mountains by giving your unconscious an instruction to find a way to get it.

For whosoever shall say unto that mountain

Two years ago I spoke to my mountain and determined that I was going to get out of debt. I started small and set up a savings account and simply added five dollars, the cost of a cheap lunch, twice a month for three months. It seems ridiculously low but that was the idea. I was mentally shaming myself into a commitment to do more once I saw how easy it was. Next, I moved my focus to one of my smallest bills. Every time I wrote out a check to pay that bill I offered thanks that it was completely paid off and enjoyed the feeling of being free of this debt. Just like the savings account I began to add five dollars a month, and to my surprise, money seemed to come from everywhere to help me increase the amount I was able to pay. In no time I had crossed that mountain and guess what…? The money I used to pay that debt instantly became extra money I could used to cross that next mountain. And, just like those settlers I crossed mountain after mountain. Sometime I would have to stop to rest but kept my focus on resuming my climb and two years later I was free of debt.

What are your mountains?

Think about a mountain you want to climb. Wake up one morning and begin to direct your focus… and then take a step to speak to your mountains!

How to Prosper in Tough Times Part 10 of 12

2009-02-02T16:04:00.043-05:00

Grow not Weary in Well Doing…

I have started a project for something I desperately want to finish and found myself doing all kinds of other things to get around completing this tough task. I took a step back and asked myself why I found completing it so difficult. What came to me was the fact I was afraid others would be judging me and my completed work. And, by doing other things it took my mind and focus off the project I needed to complete. It also let me know how circumstances conspire to redirect your focus away from the things you want to accomplish.

The war is not with the event but within ourselves

Once I came up with the reason and confronted it I realized that judged or not, the sun would come up tomorrow (I hope) and my life would go on. Many times we create in our minds horrors ten times more terrible than the event that actually awaits us as a means of giving ourselves an excuse to quit. We don’t want to admit that we are afraid so we allow our minds to go into overdrive creating scenes that give us permission to say “This will never work” or “This is beyond what I am able to do.” The idea is to take our focus off the thing we want and on to the things we fear to the point we no longer go forward and finally stop. I am reminded of the scene from the Bible where Peter gets out of the boat to walk on water toward Jesus, but when he saw the wind, he became afraid and began to sink. He redirected his focus off of the thing that he desired and on to his fears and began to falter. Where we focus is as important as focus itself, because what is focus without clear direction?

Courage is not the absence of fear...

We have entered an age where we fear fear, without realizing that fear is a good thing. It is something that is built into each and every one of us. And, it is a good thing in that it causes us to take a second look or a little extra care. Now, going back to the case of Peter, when he saw the wind rather than acknowledging it and keeping his focus on the thought that Jesus was there to help him, he placed his focus strictly on his fear and started to sink. The moral being that fear is there to help us, but it cannot carry us. Vision and focus are the things that hold us up. True courage is therefore not the absence of fear but moving forward in spite of your fears.

And now, I’ll go and finish that project…

How to Prosper in Tough Times Part 9 of 12

2009-01-27T10:03:00.037-05:00

The Longest Journey... The Smallest Step

The beginning of every year I open a little notebook containing a list of goals from the previous year. It is a sobering experience in that I get to see some of the things I did complete, and some of the things that appear to have fallen off the list I spent so little time on them. As I write out my new list for the year with all the struggles of the economy on the horizon, it came to me that I like millions of others tended to focus on the entire process of the goal and then became overwhelmed. Thinking over this fact, I realized if I broke down each item into smaller parts I would feel a lot more capable once I completed them.

You have to be willing to take a long look at yourself...

You are where you are based on choices you have made in the past. You have taken some steps that put you on a road that brought you to this point. Even if through no fault of your own you were laid off, it all comes back to you in that you decided to work for the company that let you go. What happened is part of the risks we all take in terms of living our lives. Like it or not ... stuff happens!

Life is a series of choices

What separates us from the lower animals is our ability to make choices. Your dog cannot systematically outline a plan and then follow it no matter how cute and cuddly he is. You on the other hand can decide the direction you want to go and plan it out. Adjustments are always in the mix, but that is part of the process in making the journey. And then, that old saying came to me: The longest journey begins with the smallest step…

Do not despise the day of small beginnings

Break down something you want to accomplish and study the parts. Then, begin with a small step that moves you in the direction of what you want to accomplish. Taking that one small step serves to build your confidence and lets you know it is possible with adjustments. I was recently reading an article titled “Change your life in 31 days” and was surprised how it emphasised that very thing. Click this link to read about some surprising journeys that started with small steps.

How to Prosper in Tough Times Part 8 of 12

2009-01-19T13:57:00.024-05:00

Success is not only about what we know... but what we do!

In Part 6 I issued a call for other bloggers who might want to be featured to discuss their passions and how they stay focused on the thing that drives them. I received a response from a very dynamic young woman who is a perfect example of what Gladwell discussed in Part 7 on building up hours to become successful in the thing you do. Scroll down and view the video for more on this very focused young woman:

Get beyond what you know, to what you do:

Many times in giving presentations people will tell me “Oh I know that.” But, when I ask them “And how often do you do it?” they usually get a puzzled look because it comes to them that they might know the 'something' but have failed to follow through with directed action.

Follow every decision with definite action:

We often state “Well, I’ve made a decision” but then fail to outline a specific series of steps we need to take based on that decision, only to later feel defeated that our plan did not work. Decision requires action, and then repeated action. If we make a decision but fail to outline and then take steps regarding that decision, our mind has nothing to focus on but the decision and we fall into this loop that keeps bringing us back to our decision rather than a plan which leads to success. If directed focus is to work the mind has to have an image or idea to focus upon.

Start by making a pledge:

Make a pledge to yourself that every time you make a decision you will immediately follow that decision with some form of action and keep taking that action. You will be surprised how your life will change, because directed focus will help you create "luck" in that those actions will serve to put you in the right place at the right time.

Now meet Yolanda, directed focus in action. She is 27, works two jobs, bought a house at 21, and still has time to self-publish her own magazine and write books and poetry. Listen to how she keeps herself motivated:

How to Prosper in Tough Times Part 7 of 12

2009-01-16T12:35:00.029-05:00

The race of life is not always won by the swiftest… but the one with the most desire!

You may have questioned in the past if it was possible to have the success you desired and based that questioning doubted if you were smart enough, knew enough, had the right connections or a host of other things. But, I am here to tell you that all of those things come after you have made a decision that you are determined to have whatever it is that drives you. I say that and you know I am right because everyone has had the experience of wanting something and then moving heaven and earth to get it, be it big or small, and then one day you had it. The trick now is to harness that energy because once you have harnessed it to direct your focus the circumstances will begin to work in your favor.

A friend in Australia sent me the following interview and I have included it because it speaks volumes in terms of the effect desire has on outcome. Notice he points out that IQ and intelligence have little to do with achieving the things you want in life. Desire is the prime motivator! Desire causes you to look for ways to advance your goals and even creates luck because it causes you to be in the right place at the right time. Creating that mental image of the desired goal is why I have spent so much time in the previous sections asking you to give serious thought to what it is that you want and how you see that changing your life.

Pay close attention to the things Gladwell outlines in "The Story of Success: Meaningful Work through Passion, not Genius":

How to Prosper in Tough Times Part 6 0f 12

2009-01-15T16:27:00.012-05:00

Every Artist must make himself born… Willa Cather

I trust that you have taken the time as I suggested and wrote out all the things you desired for yourself. This is generally a revealing exercise. The list itself should give you an idea of where you have been and possibly where you want to go just because you sat down and thought about it. It also allows you to do some soul searching to ask yourself “Do I really want these things?”

The next step is to ask yourself “Of all the things that I listed, which are really important for the direction I now want to follow?” This is the perfect time to take out all the things that have been put upon you by others, all of the ‘should’ messages and really give thought to how you would like to see your life. Again, use this time for thinking along the lines of no limits. If you were to wake up tomorrow and were able to rearrange your life what would you would want in it.

Now, pick one or two of the most significant desires and just begin to imagine what they would mean for your life. You can have your dreams but you have to begin with a clear vision of you having it. Take a moment and just close your eyes and see yourself having it to make this real for your current situation. See it, taste it, smell it, enjoy how good it feels to be able to do whatever it is that you have dreamed about.

The previous instruction is extremely important because the next step is for you to take a moment and mentally commit yourself to putting every ounce of energy you can muster into making what you just imagined reality. Nothing is greater than desire! And, seeing how good you feel once you have achieved your desire is your motivator.

I said previously that the subconscious does not ask why, only how. The goal of this exercise is to give it as clear an instruction as possible of you having the thing you desire so that it can begin to look for ways to accomplish this desire. Begin today and repeat this exercise everyday to develop a clear sense of how good it will feel to have the thing desired.

I’m ending this blog by putting out a general call to other bloggers who would like to discuss and display their passion, to tell others how they have charted their direction. My blog is now open to anyone who would like to contact me.

How to Prosper in Tough Times Part 5 of 12

2009-01-12T22:32:00.041-05:00

"Write the Vision to make it Plain" is the fifth in a twelve part series and I decided to do something different. A friend suggested it would be nice to have me talk you through one of my blogs and I have done just that. I've done an MP3 blog which should offer a different perspective on the topic we have covered so far. Simply click this link and the MP3 icon in the middle of the page to listen.

How to Prosper in Tough Times Part 4 of 12

2009-01-08T15:05:00.023-05:00

If you build it, it will come…

Some of you were expecting a list to make good on the challenge to prosper, and my answer is that the internet is littered with sites that tell you how to change the light bulbs and save ten percent on your utility bills or schemes to win the lottery next week, and I leave that to them. However, later we will begin to look at specific things you can do. But right now the point I am attempting to make is that you can change all the light bulbs you want or even win the lottery and very little will change in your life. We have all heard and read stories of people who won the lottery and ended up broke within a few years if not worse.

First, change your thinking and then true abundance will follow. It is not a new concept but as old as man himself. Consider this passage from the Old Testament: “You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it." Haggai 1:6

I included the audio about the man with cancer in part III to illustrate a point, the point being that as long as that man believed the worthless pills he was taking were beneficial to him (directed focus) the cancer in his body melted “like snowballs on a hot stove.” And the moment he stopped believing, his body stopped healing itself. Like that man, we come into the world as children and are willing to believe that anything is possible. And yet, as we grow into adulthood we gradually stop using that ability and develop reasons why we cannot achieve things and actually begin to set limits on what is possible.

So, our first step is to begin to ask ourselves if there were no limits what would be the essence or features of the things we want. By features I mean how would we plan to use it, what would it add to our lives, what are the things we might need to know to fully make use of it and finally how we would feel once we had made maximum use of it.

Some of you have immediately said to your self “I’d like ten million dollars” (it used to be only a million but I guess inflation has added to the dollar amount). The next question should be what is it I hope to do with that money? Have more peace of mind and not have to worry where my next meal was coming from. Have my house paid for and not have to make mortgage payments. Or, travel and visit all the places I’ve always dreamed about. You are now probably getting the drift; you need to get behind the motivation and be perfectly honest with yourself in terms of what it is you actually want and how you plan to use it. Once you have done this, you might even discover you really don’t need ten million dollars to live out your fantasy and there are other means available to you. This is why you have to be very clear in terms of the things you think you want.

And so, your challenge prior to the Part V is to take a moment and quietly write out all the things you would want if there were no limits. Brainstorm and throw in as many things you can think of that you have always dreamed about having. Then, once you have completed your list go back and ask yourself what is it that each one of these things will bring to your life and what you hope to get from it. The results may surprise you…

It might prove helpful, for those of you viewing this blog starting with Part IV, to go back and read Parts I - III just to get the full flavor of how we arrived at this point.