Become the Rope II

The "You might also like" feature has really caused me to go back and review some of my earlier posts. And, I have decided to correct one that for some reason many of you were never able to hear because you could not make the mp3 play.

To correct the situation I have included what I think is a very important message behind a video clip of some of my photos. I hope, as you listen, the pictures will get you thinking about the idea presented: Become the Rope!

The Younger Generation

When I was just out of college I can remember playing the music of Janis Joplin and watching my mother shake her head and walk off in dismay that the younger generation was headed off a cliff. Skip forward a few years and I have become my mother and many times find myself looking at the younger generation and shaking my head as well.

But, just when I think there is no hope I check back with a young woman by the name of Yolanda. I featured her a few months back after giving her an older digital camera I no longer used, and highlighted how she took the gift and really ran with it to do photo shoots for her self- published books. She always offers encouragement to me for her focus in that despite the up's and down's of being laid off from one of the two jobs she works, she does what we all have to do - keep going! And so, I think the younger generation is going to do just fine...

She has kept going by using her using her musical talent to create what she calls "beats" that are albums for easy listening and ring tones. Her album covers are creations generated from that same little camera, which lets me know it went to a good home.

So I thought I would give you a treat and do a little slide show update on Yolanda with her music as background. Her online store can be reached at this link.

And now to the slide show on the "Small Avalanche."

New Features and killer Apps

For those of you who have not noticed, I have added the application at the bottom of each post "You might also like:" It is a very neat "app" in that it helps you go back and read some of my earliest posts and therefore learn how it all began.

And so, for those of you who like going back in time feel free to use it. For me it was a chance to go back and look at how far I have come with the blog, as well as a chance to smile and even cry a little when I read the post on my brother's death. I hope you will find it an enjoyable new feature...

Save Your Relationship by Understanding your Relationship With Money

I have been doing a series of workshops at local churches on developing marriages by understanding your relationship with money and thought I would discuss the subject here. Years ago in graduate school I remember reading a book titled "The Mirages of Marriage" and in it the author details how when we fall in love we go through what could be considered a degree of madness. Our bodies are flooded with the hormone serotonin, "the feel good hormone" when we think about the other person and explains the longing to spend time with "the other" and how good we feel when we do. And so, when in the midst of this madness we think it is a dream killer to discuss things like money or how money will later affect the relationship.

It is the exceptional case however that we find someone who is exactly like us in any relationship. Successful relationships therefore involve being able to bridge the differences that we each bring to the joining . I find it interesting that we spend more time on who leaves the top off the toothpaste than we do on how we approach money matters in relation to our partner. That point is exceptionally important when you consider that divorce can be one of the most ruinous moves we can make to our financial security.

The Bible talks about not being unequally yoked and many people take that as a sign to assign blame when there may not be anything wrong with either party. Actually the yoking may involve more understanding of the different money approaches each partner brings to the relationship. If we know and understand in the beginning those differences then measures can be taken to avoid many of the pitfalls.

The following are four issues that you should discuss with your partner to understand their relationship to money:

What is your family history with money:
When you look back over your history, how did you see your parents deal with money, and how did that affect your money behavior? In my personal history my parents never seemed to have enough of it (I grew up in a large family which can be expensive) and as a result I tend to be fiscally conservative to avoid some of the traps they encountered. Because so many of our money behaviors are learned, it is a good exercise to simply ask your partner what are some of their earliest money memories. This is a lot less threatening and probably will get a more truthful response than a direct question of "how do you deal with money?"

The wealth factor:
As you gaze into the eyes of your partner, one never thinks about how much you would have to have in order to feel well off or comfortable. For example one partner may be willing to drive an older car with no car payments to have more money in the bank. Another may take pleasure in driving an expensive car, despite huge monthly payments, because he felt deprived growing up in a family that always had an old beat up car. How much is enough for you in your day-to-day life is something you need to discuss to understand how your partner views the issue. A good way to start the conversation is to ask "What would tell you that you had enough?", or "What would you have to have to make you feel good about yourself?"

Money means control:
Although it may never be voiced, most people understand that money is control. I have two friends who could never resolve the issue of who pays the bills every month and thus who controls the money in the relationship. I think they effectively dealt with the issue by sitting down and deciding who would pay which bills and then setting up a third checking account that each would place the funds for their assigned bill. In this way once their individual obligation had been satisfied they retained control over any remaining funds and tended to butt heads less often over their spending habits.

Easy payments and credit:
I have another friend who always seems to fall victim to the draw of "easy payments" without regard to how much she is paying. What she always seems to forget is that after you have several easy monthly payments they are not so easy any more and it begins to affect your credit rating. Asking your partner to request a copy of their credit report is very instructive because it provides a hard history of how they have handled credit or money in the past. This is a very important point because denial is a strong force and even the poorest money manager will answer that they are good with a dollar. Having a hard copy history is difficult to gloss over and provides an effective measure of understanding the traps to which they are prone to fall victim.

These are just some of the areas I discuss during the workshop but provides a short list of things you may want to go over to understand the person you want to share your life with. If you understand their thinking and therefore their behavior you can negotiate effective measures that can make certain money is not the spark that blows up the relationship!

Every Now and Then...

Every now and then I click on the profiles of the people who follow me to read what you have to say. I do this to see what you are up to, find interesting information or inspiration. I guess you could say it is a case of who heals the healer...

This week I read a blog from someone I consider a good friend, despite never meeting her except through her blog, and was more than inspired. I wanted to share what she posted because I hope you might be inspired as well.

So click on the link I have highlighted at the end of this paragraph. In the future, I plan to feature others every now and then...

The Great Exchange: Your Past is not Your Future

I was talking the other day to a friend who gloomily stated that most of his life had been so bad he could not imagine "that something good would ever happen to me." My friend is not someone you tend to avoid because he is continually negative but someone who is fun and intelligent. So it really surprised me to hear him make that statement.

He then proceeded to tell me some things about his history that really surprised me and made me marvel at the life he still was able to carve out for himself. That conversation really stuck with me throughout the day and then this thought came to me "Your past is not your future." I say that because sometimes we get so focused on all that has come before that we fail to take time to stop and marvel at just how far we have come.

I have said before that you cannot go forward looking back but I am still amazed at the number of people walking around bumping into things because their focus is on how broken they are by all the "stuff" that has happened to them. Yes, it is true that our life experiences tend to shape our world view; and some of those experiences have been less than wonderful or down right awful, but they do not guarantee more of the same.

I say that because that is what leaps of faith are all about: despite all that has come before, being willing to try one more time to stretch and get to the other side. I know there are times when we cannot help ourselves when thoughts about mistakes we have made or things that have happened to us pop into our heads and take us back down that road traveled so many times . That is what the mind does. But, if we are going to travel backwards make it a journey of your own choosing.

You may not be an astronaut, Donald Trump, or a movie star but somewhere down the line you did something right to get to this point. So when you feel tempted to get down on yourself that nothing good can ever happen for you, choose a mental path that takes you back to a situation you thought you could not overcome but did and rejoice at your triumph. Really look at what you had to overcome and how far you have advanced in the process. That action alone establishes the fact that things can improve because you have seen it happen. Then use that energy to take your leap of faith that things can move forward, that you are deserving of a better future, and then pledge to work toward it... step by step. You can take big steps or small steps but step... by... step!

Next keep in mind that life is not physics and does not move in a straight line or follow an equation. Yes, there will be set-backs and disappointments, "stuff" happens. However, that is the best time to look back at how far you have come and pull up those memories of things you have overcome despite your past. Use that energy to make up your mind that the past cannot hold you no matter what depressing thought attempts to haunt you because you know that you have overcome before. And then, prepare to take your leap...

That is what I told my friend!